Friday, April 13, 2012

Rare Specimen Spotted

I must preface this blog with the admission that I have only heard about this specimen sighting and was not an actual witness to these statements or sentiments (and possible rending of cloth).

My friend L has met two men who were lamenting over the fact that they can never find women to date because the women they meet just want to have sex and then move on. LAMENTING! I don't know if there were actual tears, but there may have been.

Now before you make any snap judgments about these men, you should know that they are both successful men (actors) under 45 (one is actually in his late 20s), seemingly intelligent and attractive. What I found most interesting is that they felt like women didn't take them seriously as real partners, only hook-up buddies at the end of the night. I'm not saying that they haven't taken women up on these offers, but I am saying that they appear to be looking for something different-- and they aren't finding it.

There could be many reasons for this.

1. They are looking in the wrong places. It is truly rare when a loving relationship based on shared intellectual passions and respect is born from a meeting at a club. Everyone there makes the assumption that everyone else is a player. And being actors they have both perception and fame-whores working against them. So, if these guys are searching the clubs for the future Mrs, they are probably going to be finding drunk 23 year old girls rolling the dice at STD roulette instead.

2. If they are staying home because they hate "the scene" then they aren't meeting anybody. OR they do what I do and go to places that aren't conducive to extended conversation with strangers (like movies, theater, etc).

3. Women in LA decided at some point to behave like men. They saw the only women engaging with men at all were women who adapted to the casual sex environment. The problem is, I don't know a ton of women who actually respected that "come and go" behavior when men were the only ones doing it. It can't come as a shock that many men don't either. Oh, they still have sex with those girls, but now no one seems particularly fulfilled with the choice. Don't get me wrong-- a lot of people are having sex, but I just don't see a lot of people who are happy.

4. L has not yet given them the names of the 40 awesome single women she knows not looking for players or casual anything.

I wish I had the answer. I'd like to say that if both genders valued real connection over one hour stands, then the shift would occur out of necessity. But I can't see that happening as long as people think that "keeping it simple" actually keeps anything simple or creates anything real (except for those STDs, of course-- those you get to keep).


Helen said...

I am actually aware of many people (male and female) who enjoy casual sex, hook-ups or "freinds with benefits" arrangements. Are some of those people looking for more than that? Sure, but many people just don't have time or aren't ready to commit to a relationship right now, but that doesn't mean they don't have sex drives. I agree people who are looking for more may want to look somewhere besides the local waterting hole and hey, if you REALLY want more slow your roll a little and build a relationship first. On the other hand, I don't think all women who enjoy sex for sex's sake are just doing this to get attention from men. And for the record, I see a lot of very unhappy people who are not having sex.

Kate, Dating in LA said...

But that's the problem-- these guys are looking to build a relationship and only finding women who want to hook up. They literally can't find women who want to be bothered taking the time to do that. That's sad.

Barry Paul Price said...

Kate, I feel for the guys (and you) in the bewliderment that comes with two decent partners trying to find one another in the quagmire of casual sex out there.

I'm a dating coach who has worked with men and women here in Los Angeles and let me tell you, there are people on both sides of the divide who are having trouble forming meaningful connections.

Part of it is the way they are showing up (to attract a quality partner, you have to be exhibiting certain characteristics yourself. there are steps to get there, and it is possible).

Part of it is where they are showing up, as you suggested. but it is MUCH more than just that. One of the life-coaching tools I use with my clients that have seen the biggest, fastest shifts in their dating and every single area of their life is "designing Your Nine Environments". The idea of environment goes beyond just the bar you may meet people at, though that is one aspect of it.

There are also your memetic, relationship (not just romantic), network, physical, financial, body, self, nature, and spiritual environments. Each one has a powerful effect on your chances of love... and happiness at all. I've had clients get better jobs and promotions along with attracting better guys because they took the time to align their nine environments with the goals of the life they are creating.

We can have the life (and the love our our life) that we deserve, but we have to consciously design it and take action to get it.