Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Anyone see American Idol tonight?

Anyone else start crying uncontrollably?

Just me? Damn.

But seriously-- the man who kept his "lady (of 20 years)love's" spirits up through her cancer by getting a petition signed so he could audition on the show (I think he said he was 64). Yeah... some of you know who I'm talking about...

He just wanted to sing "You Belong to Me" as a tribute to her -- because she died two days before the auditions.

Seriously. Could not stop the waterworks.



Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Get Me a Lawyer

We live in a litigious society. There is just no doubt.

*A couple decide to have sex on the subway tracks in NYC. A train comes and they narrowly manage to survive by rolling into the gutter. They then promptly sued the NY transit for not warning them that they were in danger of an incoming train. [Well, sure, who expects a train on train tracks?? ;)]

*A man breaks into a home and trips on a loose carpet runner on the stairs. The homeowners were out of town, so he spent the night at the bottom of their stairs with a broken leg. The burglar sued the homeowners for negligence. [So, be certain to keep your house up in order to be more hospitable to the criminal element.]

So, if lawsuits like this can go forward, I’m putting my case together: I’m suing fairy tales. That’s right: Kate v Fairy Tales coming to a court near you.

This is how dating goes in fairy tales—

Man meets woman. He is inexplicably drawn to her regardless of their differences. He overcomes all odds to pursue her. He declares his love and lifelong devotion. They kiss—for the first time. Happily ever after occurs about a day later.

 At no point in this process is there a 27 page form that will help an electronic dating service select possible matches for you.

 At no point did Cinderella have to spend 2 hours trying to figure out (for said form) if she was more adventurous or more creative, while trying not to admit that all she really wanted to do most Saturday nights was watch TV.

 At no point did Sleeping Beauty have to wonder—hmmm do guys in LA expect the Brazilian wax or the playboy, since there seems to be a war on pubic hair?

 While poison apples are tricky, Snow White got a vow of lifelong devotion before she had to reveal to her suitor if she was sexually traditional or adventurous, not on the 3rd freakin date.

 Not one of the lovely fairy tale ladies had to analyze their emails for signs of interest. I mean, seriously, did you ever hear anyone say “What does Prince Charming mean by that? Is that Prince Charming flirting with me? How am I supposed to respond to that? Will Prince Charming think my thighs are too big if I enclose my photo?”

 At no point did Prince Charming take 10 years trying to figure out if he had enough in common with his beloved to commit to a relationship.

I’ve been misled. I was promised Prince Charming. Not Prince Grope-a-lot. Not Prince Waste-Your-Time. Prince-Freakin’-Charming. And if he doesn’t show, I’m suing somebody. I don’t know who, of course, but someone is going down (and no, not in a good way).


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Definition Please

I don't know a single woman who dates in Los Angeles. Not one. It's not that I don't have single female friends. I do. But it is almost as though we've collectively put a moratorium on dating. No dating, no drama. It's the club motto. I'm having t-shirts made. ;)

But it's January. It's a new year. Bring on the drama. We WILL DATE!

There's just one thing.

What exactly constitutes a date in today's less than romantic climate?

I know a guy who had sex with a girl, but didn't consider it a date. What the hell?

Luckily for me, my first forays back into the dating world are somewhat less fraught. For instance, I've tried to get my friends to count my dinner and conversation with the guy sitting next to me on the plane as a date. So far, none of them are buying that one. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

How about this:
If a guy I've been friends with for years, but don't see often, asks me to lunch?

Normally, I'd say no, but I've been wrong before with male friends. Romance hasn't crossed my mind, but suddenly events take a turn. And I hate having to mace a friend-- tends to make things so awkward later.

Also, in the friend category:
What if a guy I've known a little bit through work says "Maybe we could get together for coffee when I'm in town?"

Date? Sounds ridiculous, but I got this one wrong, too, once. A guy asked me for coffee. My response was "you mean, like a date?" His response was "why do we have to define it". Which I've learned means "I'd like to keep my options open depending on whether or not you are as entertaining as I remember, and by entertaining I mean wearing an easy access bra".

Does this all fall to me? If I have single guy friends, are they always open to reinterpretation?

In other words, can coffee just be coffee, unless you shave your legs? ;)

I need definitions. I need rules. Guidelines. How to Manuals. Otherwise, every time a guy speaks to me, I'm going to print it here, and ask for a vote.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Cranky Rant

So, my original plan involved me hitting the new year with a bang (no, not that kind of bang, heads out of the gutter ). I get very into the whole resolutions thing, and I really do try to hit the ground running in hyper-productive mode.

Alas, I have been momentarily felled by a cold. The only thing hitting the ground running is my nose, and the only thing I'm really embracing is my blankie.

Given these things, I am willing to concede that I might be a bit cranky.


Buying my car was easier than buying decongestant today.


I know that the new rules mean I have to take a little card to the pharmacy. I know that they do this to regulate how much magical Sudafed they sell. I get it. Really. I’m sympathetic… most of the time. Today, I wanted my freakin Sudafed.

What I didn’t want—to stand behind the other 15 people in front of me. I’m sure they were lovely people, but they didn’t look pathetic like I did. They weren’t trying to fend off a coughing fit, and they all looked like they could breathe. There needs to be a line for currently pathetic, or serious whine-baby.

Here was the big surprise for me, though. You can make long-term investments, buy cars and homes with less paperwork than it took to get one box of Sudafed. I’m not kidding. They needed ID. They needed to swipe the ID tag. They needed to enter the codes. They needed me to not only sign for the box of Sudafed, but also write down my address and sign the book.


Does Homeland Security know about these procedures? If not, perhaps they should just adopt these policies and hire border pharmacists. Nothing is getting past these suckers.

You’ll be happy to know that I have prevailed, and will be slightly less cranky soon.

But, seriously???