Wednesday, September 28, 2011

A True Story

Earlier today a friend said, “Oh dating guru, Kate, could you please pass on a tiny nugget of your relationship wisdom?” Or, you know, something really close to that. Because I’m a benevolent soul with vast (read: singular) experience in the matters of the heart, I will now give you one of my top ten pieces of dating advice. Ready?

Do not let a man see your vagina before he has seen your face.

I mean this literally.

I’m not putting a lot of restrictions on you. It’s not like I’m asking you to wait until he can tell you what color your eyes are. That’s impossible. Guys don’t know because they’ve been either looking down your shirt, or mentally calculating how long they have to pretend to listen to you until they can get you naked (and it only looked like they were staring deeply into your eyes). I get that. It would be unreasonable.

But ladies, you are killing me. How desperate are you that you are sending photos of your ruthlessly waxed and eroded southern selves to a man before your first date—or even your first phone call? Do you charge by the hour? Are you working on the “time is money” theory? Are you a porn star? Because if you are, this totally makes sense—he’s already seen it all. If neither is true, put the DAMN CELLPHONE CAMERA DOWN.

I know what you are thinking, “But Kate, I’m straightforward with my wants and needs. If I want a man, I’m going to tell him exactly what is on my mind.” Newsflash—it’s not your mind he’s thinking of and there are ways of doing this without showing him where the ingrown hairs were. Oh, he may still have sex with you (so mission accomplished), but he has no respect or regard for you at all (we won't get into my consternation over why anyone would have sex with someone they don't respect).

Out of curiosity, if you are someone who starts with VajCam, where the hell do you hope to go from there? Do you just keep a spare snatch snap and send it out to the AT&T phone directory in hopes of finding a way to kill 20 minutes every evening? Is this a reverse type move where you start with porn and then hope to move to deep conversation? I have bad news for you—if you think all you have to offer is a body part, it’s going to be tough for anyone else to see beyond that. I just don’t see him saying, “there’s a fine labia, I wonder what her thoughts are on deficit reduction?”

You’ve exchanged one email with the gadabout through a dating site. Try coffee first. Sure, it could be a waste of time, but think of the penicillin you’ll save.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Oh You Kidder

I've always told my friends that the one thing I'd most want to do with David Duchovny is discuss Russian literature (and no, I don't mean that euphemistically). I understand that this makes me socially freakish, but a good conversation is far more intriguing to me than nearly anything (save winning the lottery, which I would quite like to do as well). So, naturally, this film rumor made me smile and then shake my head (plus, Helen Hunt and Larry Moss? dies):

Relative Insanity

Yep-- the rumor is that he's doing a modern adaptation of Chekhov's The Seagull. I very much hope this is true.

So close, universe. So close. Keep trying.

Also, David: try Gogol next.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Something You Don't Know

Something you don't know about me and would never guess...

When I was in first grade, I got an S on my report card (S=Satisfactory). I missed out on the S+. Why? The teacher said that while I was bright, I had a tendency to socialize too much with my neighbors in class.

Apparently, I've spent the rest of my life making up for it.