Saturday, May 29, 2010

A Kate Dating Fairy Tale

It was one of those late night conversations—you know the ones that start in the haze sometime after midnight, but before actual sleep. We were comfortable, talking close in hushed tones at the end of a long week. I remember snuggling in closer, his arms going tighter around me, as the night grew quieter and still.

Something I said, can't remember now what, drew a chuckle from him and a kiss to the forehead.

Kate (snuggling in more with a smile): You realize we can't ever break up. We'd never be able to separate out all of our stuff.*

So cozy. So warm. So perfect.

Ex (snuggling back): Actually, it wouldn't be that hard. You'd get the bed and the club chairs; I'd get the bed in the spare room. Most of the furniture in the living room is mine, but you can take the couch, and I'll keep the one in my study.

Kate: (silence)

Ex (kissing Kate's forehead again): mmmm g'night.

Kate: (silence)


He was right. I did get the bed. As I watched two men struggle to remove it from my apartment today, I remembered the conversation we had in that bed so long ago. And with a twinge of melancholy I thought…


"Damn, I still have to get rid of the couch and the chairs".




*Gentlemen, this is called a "soft lob" of a question. The right answer in this situation is, in fact, "I don't even want to think about it." Not only is it true (it's not like you want to think about feelings, and you certainly don't want to talk about them), but it can also be misconstrued as romantic. If it is misconstrued as romantic, you could end up having sex right after you say it. Further, itemizing the ways it would be easy to separate your stuff, as though you've been keeping track for just that sort of situation, is unlikely to lead to anything naked… well, naked and pleasurable, at any rate. No need to thank me for these clarifications. I'm here to help… and to live as a warning to others.


Thursday, May 20, 2010


Shiny and New

I came home today and discovered I had a brand new kitchen faucet. It's lovely. It's shiny. And it made me wonder what other new stuff I should expect to find when I return home. For instance, will I come home and find a brand new boyfriend at some point? Because I might need a little bit of warning in order to properly enjoy that kind of gift… and not… you know… accidentally spork him to death when I mistake him for a random intruder who has decided to plant his ass on my couch and shoes on my hope chest.

Silver Lake

Apparently, Los Angeles is larger than the 5 mile radius around my apartment that I've thus far discovered. There is a magical place called "Silver Lake" and there appears to be an incredibly festive event going on this weekend. Details are here: Now, I'm not sure if the lakes on that side of the city are actually silver… or even if there is actually a lake (note to self: find out if I need passport to travel to other side of city). What I do know is that there is a ridiculously good bakery putting up a tent there named Mardy's Munchies ( I have a deep and abiding love for their red velvet cupcakes and a special place in my heart for their bundts. I hear rumors of a red velvet bundt cake that my brain can't even comprehend. Sure, some people say that my love for the tasty treats is unnatural, but I'd like to point out that they only use natural ingredients, so clearly my critics are mistaken. The lure of these delectables is strong, and I will be crossing the oceans (or Sunset… whatever) to partake in the Mardy's joy and perhaps take in the bands, the lit and work on wandering silently through a crowd without making eye contact (which totally counts as being social in my world).

Doodle Day

Have you checked out the celebrity doodles submitted for National Doodle Day to support NF, Inc. yet? What are you waiting for? The auctions end this weekend, and there are still some doodles that are entirely affordable. Naturally, there are some that have gone through the roof—that adorable Cory from Glee said he couldn't draw, but his doodle is much loved! Check out all the fun from celebrities from Lost, Glee, X-Files, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Life Unexpected, Private Practice, LA Law, Californication, Seinfeld, Home Improvement, Party Down, The Joneses, The Good Wife, The Carol Burnett Show, Borat, The Brady Bunch, NCIS, SpongeBob, Modern Family, Aaron Stone, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Harry Potter, 30 Rock, Breaking Bad, Weeds, American Idol and countless other films, Vegas shows, sports and the art world. Go forth and bid:

Kate (Wandering around the apartment looking for other new toys that may have been left behind by the kitchen faucet fairies)

Saturday, May 15, 2010


I turned on the TV this morning (hello, old friend!), and there is an animated morning show playing. I was intrigued by the very "girl power" dialogue that was being bandied about, so I'm sitting here watching for a minute. Also, the remote is all the way across the room, and the effort to get up has not yet taken hold. Now I'm mesmerized by the fact that each and every one of these female warriors, witches, fairies, high school students (whatever they are supposed to be) is wearing some sort of lingerie that also shows off their tiny midriffs. I suppose they might be warding off the evil menace by flexing their abs? Perhaps we are revisiting the ancient "boobs of badness" concept (though no Diana Fowley in sight)? It's possible that the super-collagen lips could bounce animated bullets.

I'm not saying that our own Saturday morning entertainment wasn't suggestive. And the Wonder Woman outfit that has been around forever has never been demure. I'm just saying that at 7:30am on a Saturday, I shouldn't already be depressed about needing to work out, dieting and finding enough layers to hide my non-magical gut. It's just too early.

Must get remote…. Must get remote….


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Something in the Water

I'm not a strong conversationalist. As I've mentioned before, I'm particularly bad with strangers (by the way, I classify anyone who I have not known and spoken to every day for at least five years as a stranger). This leads to some fabulously awkward encounters, particularly when I'm a co-host of an event and trying to hide from the guests because I'm not-so-secretly terrified that I'll actually have to speak to them. I've thought about classes. I've thought about going out more so that I can practice encounters with strangers (obviously, I nixed that idea as ludicrous). I even tried that experiment where I interviewed people before certain events as a groundbreaker (and oddly enough, I met 3 of my business partners that way-- though that had more to do with them trapping me in a parking garage). Regardless, I remain in awe of people who mix and mingle with ease (or at least without nausea).

Given my own difficulties, I try to give other people some leeway when they deal with me because I know that they might be working hard to come up with conversation that will not make me step further behind a tree (or a tripod). Weather is a strong starter with me. I'm still a weather junkie (and yes, I get the irony of me living in an area without actual weather for most of the year). Also, men who appear on CNN weather or the weather channel are guaranteed to bring a smile to my face. Earthquakes make me nervous and raising the specter of an earthquake while standing with me in an elevator isn't the best idea; but even then I will usually play along. Everyone in Los Angeles complains about the traffic, so that seems to be a fairly safe topic as well.

Assuming that I have children based on my age and asking me whether or not "the little ones" did something nice for me for Mother's Day is not an approach I'd recommend. Also, "maybe next year" is not an appropriate follow-up to get out of the awkward silence as I'm now not sure if you wished unwed motherhood on me, or for someone else's divorce (complete with potential step-children). When this happens once in a day—eh, I can shake my head and move on to the next social torture. When it happens three times, I begin to wonder if they know something that I don't know.

When I get home and flip through the mail to discover that a charity has included a free notepad in their mailing that reads "From the Family of…" I throw in the towel, grab a shovel and embrace the ice cream.

Oh, universe, I've missed you.


Wednesday, May 05, 2010

National Doodle Day

I promise I will write again soon. In the meantime, you have to go to the National Doodle Day website and check out the gallery of celebrity doodles that have already been added for auction this year. Celebrities from the art world, tv, film, music and sports have lent their talents in support of NF, Inc.

Which is your favorite? I honestly can't decide, but I know I'll be bidding!


National Doodle Day Is Thursday, May 13

CHICAGO, IL (May 5, 2010) – The list is like a “who’s who” of celebrities, and includes Gillian Anderson, Jason Alexander, Carol Channing, Tim Conway, Tim Daly, Phyllis Diller, George Foreman, Terry Fator, Charles Fazzino, Neil Gaiman, Paul Michael Glaser, Seth Green, Melissa Joan Hart, Florence Henderson, Stephen Hillenburg, Sugar Ray Leonard, Téa Leoni, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joshua Malina, Howie Mandel, Frank Marino, Elizabeth Mitchell, Cory Monteith, Kevin Nealon, Amanda Palmer, Jodi Picoult, Amy Poehler, Alan Rachins, Doris Roberts, Eric Roberts, Mark Ryden, Ronnie Schell, Martin Sheen, Sarah Silverman, Roy Thinnes, Carrie Underwood, Sela Ward, plus many others. All have contributed a piece of their own creativity to help support NF, Inc. and their 4th annual Doodle Auction.

Beginning Thursday, May 13, the celebrity Doodles will be auctioned on eBay. Over the past three years, this fundraiser has generated over $45,000 to benefit NF, Inc., a national non-profit organization dedicated to serving families affected by Neurofibromatosis. One of our most popular doodles was drawn by then-Senator Barack Obama for our inaugural auction in 2007. It fetched $2,075!

Neurofibromatosis, or NF for short, is an unpredictable disease that causes tumors to form on the nerves of your body. Depending on their location, these tumors can cause disfigurement, dysfunction, deafness or blindness. In the wrong place they can be fatal. NF can also cause learning disabilities, seizures, bone deformity and cancer. Currently, 100,000 Americans have NF; worldwide, 115 babies are born each day with this same genetic disorder.

NF is more common than Cystic Fibrosis, Muscular Dystrophy and Huntington’s Disease combined. Half the children born with it have no family history of NF. Despite the many researchers studying this devastating condition, there is still no cure, and treatments are largely inadequate.

For more information about National Doodle Day, go to

To learn more about NF, please visit