Friday, October 29, 2010

Style Help!

I need help from my more stylish friends—or friends who have any knowledge at all about clothing. As you can well imagine after reading this blog for years, my knowledge extends to asking, "Is it clean?" So, I'm a bit out of my depth here.

This is what I need to know: what is the current thinking on pantyhose/stockings on the east coast if you are not Lady GaGa?

I've eschewed all things pantyhose since moving to SoCal. It's one of the best things about this place. When it gets down to a frigid 60, I wear black, opaque tights. Otherwise, my legs are gloriously unsheathed (or are protected in trousers when shaving or the weather is difficult). Most of my trips back east in the last 10 years have either been very, very casual, or during the summer when this was not an issue. Sadly, the luck has run out, and I will be in NY at some point in November. I will need to dress in a business-like manner, but pants don't quite cut it. So… what's the pantyhose rule? Are black stockings (rather than tights) going to peg me as hopelessly out of date? Do they need to have patterns on them—much like all the stockings I wore in the 1980s?

Also, is Carson correct—are red shoes only for whores? Because I have an incredible pair of red heels…which I also can't figure out how to wear unless I'm stockingless. Sigh.

I wait for your wisdom.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Opportunities You Can't Pass Up

Because I am fantabulous in every possible way (shhhh, go with it), I bring you the following intel (pay special attention to the fact that registration ends today for the live auction items and that the eBay auction ends on Saturday).

Just as a side note, I was over on the Castle set last year. That gang could not have been nicer (or more attractive-- mercy that's a good looking bunch!).

What do "Life Unexpected", "Castle", "The X-Files", "The Soup" and "Two and a Half Men" Have in Common?

Last chance to get your bidder registration forms in for IBG Inc’s first-ever Live Auction event.

IBG Inc has extended their registration through Thursday October 28th 2010 for their first-ever Live Auction event. The auction itself will take place on Saturday, October 30th and feature both live and silent auction lots, as well as a select eBay component.

The auction contains some fantastic, one-of-a-kind item donations! The latest items to arrive include a cast-signed copy of the "Life Unexpected" pilot script and a Discovery Bay Games package (that is a must for "Saturday Night Live" and Grateful Dead fans). These two new additions join the already popular auction lots of "Castle" set visits, VIP TV Taping tickets to "Two and A Half Men", as well as "The Soup", a private cooking lesson with Chef Gavin Mills from Bastide, a limited edition lithograph from the upcoming Disney animated film "Tangled", a ModCloth Outback handbag, and Los Angeles Dodgers ticket vouchers.

Interested parties can take a look at the complete auction catalog and event details on IBG Inc’s website:

Those interested in bidding on any or all of these lots must register on the IBG Inc website anytime before Thursday, October 28th 2010. Bidder forms must be returned by 5pm PT on the 28th for the auction, which takes place on Saturday, October 30th in Los Angeles. IBG will not be allowing on-site or same-day registration; however phone and absentee bidding are available for convenience.

"The X-Files" fans will want to take special notice of these as both stars of the hit 1990s genre series have donated special fan experiences. IBG Inc is happy to announce two unique items available on eBay in conjunction with this auction event: tickets to "The Break of Noon" along with a meet-and-greet with star David Duchovny in NYC, as well as set visits to "Johnny English Reborn" with a meet-and-greet with Gillian Anderson in the UK. The items available on eBay are live right now and do not require special registration through the non-profit’s website. The eBay item lots will end on Saturday, October 30th just after the live auction event ends. Links to the eBay auctions are available on IBG’s website at, or bidders can visit the IBG store on eBay at

IBG is a 501(c)(3) public charity focusing on utilizing the power of philanthropy through the arts to benefit a wide range of charities worldwide. We act as a "fundraiser facilitator" for micro-funded and start-up charities that would otherwise struggle with the logistics and costs associated with event fundraising. For these charities, every dollar is crucial. Since we began fundraising in December 2008, IBG has disbursed nearly $50,000.00 to participating non-profits.

Proceeds from this live auction event will have significant impact on IBG’s ability to support partner organizations which include non-profits on the front lines dealing with catastrophic illness, education, arts and culture and social services.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Results Show

As most of you recall, Thursday marked the first of a series of experiments meant to elucidate my "approachability factor". Now, some have called into question the parameters of the experiment (coughDancough), but I feel like we have made real progress. I'm also pretty sure I won this round, but Pen insists that at most it was a draw.

The evening did not start off quite as smoothly as I had hoped. For instance, a drive that is normally 15 minutes took 50. At first blush you would assume that this put the "sitting alone at the bar waiting for Pen" portion of the experiment in jeopardy. Not so! When I got to the hotel, I told her to hide. Let us all take a moment to appreciate what a good sport Pen is. Just when you think your days of hide-and-seek are over, a friend needs you to hide in a bathroom while she tries to get noticed.

So, I arrived, albeit a bit frazzled, and I sauntered into the bar. I smiled at people. Seriously, I smiled at people. Yes, it was a genuine smile. Stop, it Chloe, it was too a genuine smile. There was nothing maniacal or plotting about it. During the entire circuit through the room (hey, those heels are high, it takes a while to navigate in them), I thought to myself, "I am open and welcoming—wait, does the concierge think I'm a hooker? He does. He totally thinks I'm a hooker. These aren't hooker boots. Jimmy Choo does not make hooker boots. Do you know … uh… right. I am open to new experiences and welcoming."

When I finally made it to the end of the bar, I glided into place. Maybe not so much glided as tried to sit. Then I realized I still had my coat on, so I hopped down from the stool, wrestled the coat off and hung it over the back of the chair. This was followed by a halting walk around the bar stool to figure out if the bar had hooks for my purse-- nope. I saw no hooks, so I was forced to drop the purse on the bar and then awkwardly hop up on the bar stool because even in 4-5 inch heels, I'm too short to just drape myself in any sort of elegant fashion. Yes, my grace still awes me, too. On the upside, no one can accuse me of being inconspicuous.

I was placed in perfect position—close to two television sets so I could watch the game, but also in the eye line of the gentlemen also watching the game. You can imagine how much attention that got me. Yep, none at all. They were watching the game. But the bartender did smile at me… when I ordered a drink. He was so captivated by my every utterance that he brought me the wrong drink (well, I held his attention through the first word—I ordered a Pinot Noir and he brought Pinot Grigio). It was at this point that the magic happened. The man next to me recommended one of the bar food items. Pen has decided that this is proof positive that I do not appear to be invisible to everyone. I will now state for the record that the bartender began the conversation by asking my new neighbor if he needed the menu—which I then took. So, she is correct; I am not actually invisible. When I take something from someone, they notice it. However, I was hoping to save the actual turn to larceny for my golden years.

Pen appeared shortly thereafter and rescued me.

I'd love to tell you that David Tennant wandered into the bar, bought us a round of drinks and then asked us to work on his next project. Sadly, this did not occur, though Pen and I managed to entertain ourselves in a surprisingly festive fashion given the lateness of the hour (6:30pm).

And just so I couldn't be accused of failing to properly push the boundaries of the experiment, I did take another turn about the room (hoping Darcy was waiting in the wings to admire me, of course). Sadly, no Darcy was present, and the two men I did smile at promptly looked away. Perhaps they were with dates and did not want to be inappropriate in their presence. In fact, I'm certain of it (ok, not really certain at all actually).

So, dear readers, what do you think? What is your approachability factor?


Friday, October 22, 2010

Now There’s an Idea

"A Taiwanese woman left uninspired by the standard of men on offer in her city will finally tie the knot -- with herself, Shanghai Daily reported early Saturday." (source:

Bonus points to the first person who can tell me what I'm thinking right now.

Hint: I may or may not be registering at Pottery Barn as I type.


Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Great Experiment

I have always thought of myself as a welcoming and friendly soul. Ok, that's actually a lie, but I don't think of myself as being particularly mean. I'm just disinterested. I'm not someone who tends to seek attention or companionship most of the time. I covet Kate time.

I have friends, but I far prefer to have a few people who I am very interested in around me on occasion than a lot of always there acquaintances. Sadly, this means the people I do consider friends have to be allowed to express opinions. Whatever. I never saw that in the NDA, but I'm told it's true.

Two of these friends have, on more than one instance, claimed that the reason men do not approach me to show interest is that there is a gigantic "F*ck You!" sign on my forehead. Well, actually, Pen said I had that sign. Chloe said I give off "this energy". I'm not from California, so I don't know what that means, but it sounds good. I, on the other hand, think I'm invisible—that no matter how I look, what I wear or how big my smile is, in a town full of people trying to get attention, I will remain delightfully below the radar.

However, in the interest of fair play (and having the chance to show everyone that I'm right), I have agreed to an experiment. Tonight, Pen and I will be going to a lovely, upscale bar/lounge/something-or-another. I will be wearing the Jimmy Choo boots (it better not rain, those boots do not see weather), and I was assured upon purchase that people would definitely talk to me if I was wearing them (they have never had that affect so far). I will smile. I will engage. I will sit there for at least 5 minutes alone so that no one is threatened by the "female pack".

Pen thinks magic is definitely a possibility. I think someone will try to sit on my bar stool because they will not realize that I'm sitting there.

Let the games begin!


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

iPod Attacks 2

After a long period of detente, my iPod has gone rogue.

Sure, I downloaded the standard audio clips for Sony Vegas Pro. I admit that those clips ended up in iTunes. But that does not give the iPod the right to shuffle to a blaring rendition of "The Wedding March" as I'm pulling up to the work gate at 6:30 am. It's just wrong.

Also, it scared the hell out of the guard who happened to be standing there. No doubt, he is single, and thought that I was trying to send a very specific message. I don't blame the guy for running. Well, I blame him a little bit—I mean, the speed with which he took off might have been excessive.



Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Best Idea Ever!

The best idea ever came to me after a day filled with thoughts like, "Oh, you have got to be kidding me" and "I need to fake some sincere appreciation". I'm calling it the "Explanation Buddy".

It's a very simple concept. Essentially, we would create a service that would provide a person to join you throughout your day and offer explanations for some of the more baffling things you do.

This stroke of genius came to me after the following twitter exchange:


Me: "Just dumped water on the carpet. No reason. Just did not realize the cap wasn't on the bottle of water I had been drinking from. Go Me."

Brilliant friend who should have money thrown at her feet wherever she roams: "I'm sure there was a stain that you have now inadvertently cleaned. Win!"


Yes! She was totally right. Well, not "totally" in that there was actually a stain, but right in that perhaps deep, deep, way-down-there, in my disturbed subconscious, I did feel the need for cleansing. Plus, it's far more of an acceptable answer than my paying absolutely no attention to what I was doing when I decided to tip the bottle upside down and right side up again out of boredom. Her explanation makes me seem almost preternaturally aware of my surroundings. My explanation makes me sound like I'm easily distracted by shiny objects. Sanity, reason, even shades of psychic ability could be ascribed to you if you call upon the services of the "Explanation Buddy".

Not convinced? Send me the strangest (not illegal, or I'll have to have your IP address traced and have you arrested) thing that came out of your mouth today, and I bet we can come up with an excellent explanation for it.

It's review time at work, and there could not be a more critical time for me to have an "Explanation Buddy" by my side. For instance, when I said, "I'm sorry I missed that deadline—apparently my Psychic Friends Hotline subscription has run out, and I was unaware of the request" to my boss; rather than sitting through the protracted, dismayed silence, I could have pointed to my EB who would have said, "Kate strives to use all resources available to her to anticipate your needs and the needs of everyone who works here for the betterment of the company, the state, the country and all of humanity." BAM! I would have gone from belligerent to selfless humanitarian in mere seconds.

I can only imagine how helpful an EB would be in social situations.

Me: What the hell are you looking at?

EB: My lady has become aware of your frank, and hopefully admiring, perusal, and is intrigued to learn more about your intentions.

The EB takes me from socially awkward to having gentility and refinement dripping from my fingers. What man could resist? Also, EB doubles as a "wing man" should the situation warrant it.

This idea is gold. Who doesn't wish that post-stupidity spewing, that they could point to the person next to them who would swiftly step in to explain that your actions were actually well-reasoned, if not downright revolutionary?

All I need is the funding.

I accept checks.





Sunday, October 17, 2010


When life throws hurdles in my way, rather than becoming despondent I just take a deep breath and think of all the things that have gone really well instead.

It is only when I realize that nothing has gone really well… close to well…. in the same city as well… that true creativity has to emerge.

And I'm going to sit here on this couch until it does.












Foot cramp….












Perhaps a more pro-active approach is in order.


I've recently made plans to go on an adventure (so recently, the "book it" window just closed). It is semi-work related and entirely out of character.

I decided to head to New York for an upcoming weekend. I know, the shock throws a lot of people at first. But it's true. I'm flying to New York for the weekend to see a play, do a little charity work, and do some unauthorized drinking (of course, I have no tolerance, so that's going to be about a quarter of a glass of a wine). I've already warned my New York friends that they should be prepared to take Monday off because we could be out making merry until 5:30pm Sunday. That's how reckless I'm feeling. I'd offer to talk to a boy just to really show how "throw caution to the wind I'm being", but that sounds like just asking for problems. We'll leave that as a "maybe" for now.

Why did I make this decision?

Well, the play sounds intriguing. And the lead actor sounds intriguing. But really I think this is just an outgrowth of a growing orb of restlessness wrapped in frustration that is threatening to force some fairly big life changes out of me. While I'm not a fan of change, I'm also not a fan of most the main elements of my life right now: job, hobbies, job-like-hobbies, social life, financial situation, housing situation, cellulite situation—really, you name it, and I'm frustrated with it.

Sitting on the couch and complaining about it hasn't done me much good. Rude, I think, for the universe to not just hand me some creative solutions. So maybe the tiny seed of rebelliousness is growing into something—or I'll get back and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking? Next time I'm going to Santa Barbara."

Stay tuned.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

Internal Dialogue on a Thursday

Me: I suddenly have motivation to work out. Right now. I must work out right now before I lose this intense desire to be fit.

Other Me: Sadly, Bones starts in 7 minutes. Remember the last time you missed the beginning? You were desperately confused because it turns out that you were in the midst of the dude's coma dream.

Me: True. That made no sense. Of course, it would probably have helped if I watched the show more often than once every few months, or when Duchovny directs.

Other Me: You can't risk that again. 6 minutes.

Me: Then again, when in the history of time have I worked out for more than 6 minutes?

Other Me: Good point. You totally have time to spare.



Friday, October 15, 2010

It Sounded Like a Good Idea

I am an excellent planner. I even add in a dash of relentless worry for free. So, you know I'm good. Apparently, what I'm not good at is making the plan actually result in something positive.


I decided that if I just had half an hour extra every morning, many of my problems would be solved. Vaguely remembering the bright, over-achiever I used to be, I decided that getting up half an hour earlier would be far better than being organized. Please keep in mind that before the plan, I was getting up at 5:00am.

No matter.

Clearly, with this extra half hour I would: 1) write this blog every day, 2) straighten up the apartment, 3) exercise, 4) actually dry my hair instead of hanging my head out the window on the way to work and 5) be more than 2 ½ seconds early for work. Also, I was fairly certain I could become the world's best fundraiser, solve the world hunger crisis and be voted "World's sexiest" something-or-another.

I set the alarm for 4:30am and was enormously proud of my desire to take action.

I did this two weeks ago.

Yep. You can already tell that it hasn't resulted in witty morning banter flowing through this blog. In fact, I have not managed to do any of things that I thought I would suddenly be able to do.

What I have done:

  1. Watched the Castle episode that aired the night before that I couldn't stay awake for because I was getting up so damn early
  2. Watched Chilean miner rescue (totally worth it, go team miners!)
  3. Stayed in bed listening to awesome 80s mix on the radio
  4. Stayed in bed wondering what Clooney was doing
  5. Stayed in bed wondering what Duchovny was doing
  6. Stayed in bed with head under covers realizing that no matter what was happening for #4 and #5 at that moment, it was going to be way better than my day at work
  7. Fell asleep in shower
  8. Threw apartment into even greater disarray looking for my mysteriously disappearing cell phone which stayed hidden for the full 30 minutes despite the fact that I could hear it ringing because I kept calling it from my house phone
  9. Spent 30 minutes going over the greatest moments of my "why God why" rant from 1999 (classics)
  10. Stared at television in the living room in confusion when it wouldn't turn on. Stared at television in the living room in profound consternation when I realized it was unplugged—which is tricky because it's hard to reach that plug. And I didn't do it. And I live alone.


So… mixed results?

On the upside, I did definitively prove that it would be easier for me to build a time machine than try to get the abs of those Glee kids through exercise at my current stage of decay. So, that's something.