Open Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Kindly stop f’ing with me.

Your prompt attention to this matter is much appreciated.

Hugs and kisses,

Kate


I am the “anti-Secret” person.

I don’t mean that I can’t keep secrets, I mean that positive thinking book, “The Secret”. I am, apparently, the exception to the positive thinking rule. People who know me in real life are probably nodding along to the home version of the Kate game and saying “yeah, she really is”.

It’s not because positive thinking invariably leads to disappointment. Clearly, it does. But it’s because the word “never” is apparently like catnip to the universe. It can’t resist. I use the word “never”, and you can practically see the tiny universe ears perk up. Its claws come out, and they start tapping. The universe starts licking its lips (Yes, the universe has lips. I’ve seen them.). The universe’s brows knit together (not to be confused with the uni-brow, which is actually something entirely different). And you want to know what the universe says? It says “Reaaaaaaallyyyyy” in a voice sounding very much like Steve Martin in “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”.

Think I’m kidding?

“I’m going to miss Dale so much. Brad’s another matter. I can’t wait for Brad to leave. I’ll never miss that one”. (Dated Brad on and off for 3 years following this statement, but after he enlisted and was shipped off across the country. And yes, missed him terribly in only the way a high school girl can do anything—with lots of drama!).

“We got stuck together for freshman year, but it’s not like I’d ever live with her again. Thank God! I’ll never have to room with her again” (Lived with roommate for another entire year. Didn’t speak to each other at all for the last 4 months of that. Very small room. Quite the challenge. Luckily, I have skills).

“Sure, we’re moving to New Jersey, but at least I won’t have to commute into NYC for work. I’ll never do that. I’ll never work in New York.” (Worked in NYC for slightly less than 4 years with a commute that was 1 ½ to 2 hours each way. Started that less than a month after this statement).

“Fine, so I’m working in NYC. It’s not California. You know I’ll never move all the way out there”. (Yep. Sensing a trend?)

“I’ll never stay at this job if he leaves… or him… or…” (yeah, totally trapped).

“I’ll never drink again” (ok, everyone has that one, but I think mine relates directly to the never above, or the one below).

“I’ll never find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with here”. (Evil. Found him. Lost him. Bad. Bad Universe).

“I’ll never see him, again. Why would I? It’s not like our paths will accidentally cross” (Cross? More like collided).

"Ok, last time I did see him. But that was just fate laughing. I'll never see him ag... uh... really?" (shit)


And this is just a sampling. I have millions of them (some with good results, some—not so much). The universe finds the word “never” to be a challenge. So, now I have a plan. While the rest of the people out there are thinking only thoughts of “this will happen” to get what they want, I’m finally going to put this never thing to good use.

So…

I will never date George Clooney.

I will never marry the man of my post-20 something dreams.

I will never win the lottery.


Ha! Suck it, Universe.

Kate, dodging lightning bolts, in LA

(Unless, of course, the Universe is already wise to this reverse plotting, in which case all those things immediately above… totally going to do those things).