Reader Mail (NSFW)

I get a ton of email every day. It’s obviously from my dear readers who have taken the time to really reflect on what has been written here over the past year. I’ve touched them. This much is clear. I feel badly that I don’t always respond immediately. Because I was working on a friend’s movie, I have been particularly remiss in not responding to reader mail in a timely fashion. So, in order to apologize properly, I think I should respond to some of it here.

Question 1: Are you good in bed?
Yes. I am very good in bed. For instance, I can sleep on my side or my back with equal comfort. While I am a blanket hog, I don’t need to sleep on any particular side of the bed. Left, right, center—it’s really all the same to me.

Question 2: Do you want a man-sized shaft?
I think the construction of this question leaves me with some scary imagery, actually. Are they literally offering me a 6 foot penis? If they are, I’ll have to politely decline. It would be like the penis that ate New York. So, thank you for the offer, but I’ll save that for some other deserving person. Of course, now I’ll be haunted that an entire city is being terrorized by a gigantic penis.

(How does a gigantic penis move, do you suppose? Does it hop? Well, that makes it much less frightening.)

Question 3: Indian man looking for American wife. Are you her?
It’s not that I doubt the obvious sincerity of this magnanimous proposal, but I’m very quirky. When I finally hear those magical words, I’d prefer it if they didn't start in an email addressed: “To Whom It May Concern”. But that’s just me. Good luck to you in all your future endeavors. P.S. Hit me up again in 6 months, and I might reconsider depending on how my blind date goes.

Question 4: I bet you look like a troll.
Playskool Weeble. Pay attention.

Question 5: We can help you with your ED problems?
Thanks! But I’m happy to report that Ed and I are getting along just fine. Really, he isn’t giving me any hassle at all these days.

Question 6: Why would anyone date someone so obviously bitter?
Please see answers to #1 and #4. How could anyone resist?

Question 7: I am a Nigerian prince. My parents were killed in a bombing, leaving me $25 million dollars that I secretly need to move to the United States. If you confidentially accept this money transfer into your bank account, I will pay you $5 million. Please click this link.
Finally, my prince has come! Let me just find that bank account info….


Yep, as you can see katedating@yahoo.com gets a lot of mail. For instance, I had 42 pages of thought provoking mail much along the lines of the above when I finally had a chance to look at it today. Out of curiosity—does spam work? It has to, right, otherwise why would it come in such high volumes? Has anyone ever responded back to them? I don’t mean to actually place an order for Megadik, but just for the heck of it.

I’m thinking about it. Dear Mr. Nigerian Prince…

Kate