Blind Leading the Blind

Nothing like a traffic jam at 7:15pm on a Sunday evening to give a girl plenty of time to reflect on the fabulous possibilities that await her. And by fabulous, I mean annoying and potentially disastrous... is what the old me would have said. The new me only thinks positive thoughts. Which is why even though we have pretty much all agreed that blind dates are a bad idea, I am still willing to make this happen.

Quick question: is sexting first base or does it depend on exactly what is typed? I'm just trying to get a handle on exactly what I'm going to face since this technology didn't exist the last time I went on a first date.

I am sensing that some of my potential gentleman callers have expressed some degree of reluctance about being set up. Normally, I would assume this is because they've seen a picture of me (btw, "No, in real life she's sort of cute" is my current marketing campaign), but the new me assumes that this is just because they are nervous about how awkward set ups can be. This I understand. I too am experiencing a tad bit of trepidation about stepping from behind the curtain.

Being the crafty problem solver that I am, I'm encouraging a vetting process. I'm even seriously considering slipping a questionnaire to friends while they are vetting the potentials. It could save a lot of time. Beyond the normal status questions (single, straight, serial killer), I thought these would also be useful:

1. How do you feel about being mocked (if I promise to be gentle on the first date)?
2. How do you feel about spending long hours discussing Russian literature before I let you hold my hand (which still might be moving too fast)?
3. How do you feel about being second guessed about everything? No, I mean everything. No, really.
4. How do you deal with television sports conflicts? For instance, if your Yankees were on TV and my Indians were on TV, how would you feel about the fact that we'll be watching the Indians play?
5. Describe your favorite first date and use the words "classical music," "picnic in the park" and "reading you 19th century romantic poetry."
6. Describe in what ways you are most like Colin Firth.

This should go well!

From Zero to Sixty

Once a month I take part in probably the most fabulous wine club in the world—definitely the most fabulous in Los Angeles. Not only am I learning about wine (and thus expanding my brain and staving off my inevitable mental decline), but the group is comprised of great people (yes, I do like some people). Unfortunately, the flowing of good wine and entertaining conversation (and the occasional Meat Loaf sing-along) can lead to advanced jocularity and ill-advised decision-making.


Thus, I come to the following situation. After some lovely white Burgandy and a tiny bit of sparkling wine, I decided the best idea ever was to require all of my female friends to set me up on a blind date—at that exact moment. I had very few criteria: the man needs to be single, and he can't expect sex on the first date (or, let's face it, ever).


Two of my friends immediately sent off text messages that will no doubt alarm me greatly at a later date. But for the moment, I'm thinking positively. Sure, at best these attempts might only lead to chaste sexting using two intermediaries, but that will still count as the best date I've been on in years. Also, I've been assured that one date will be so bad, that my friend will want to tape it for YouTube. Hello, income! Finally—I mean, I am still out of work, so how can I refuse that offer?


Perhaps my calm acceptance stems for the fact that I don't actually believe any dates will result from this folly because I feel like there was mass penile shrinkage occurring simultaneously throughout the city when those texts went out creating real cases of "date avoidance." Or at least the contacted men will take every possible opportunity to avoid me for the foreseeable future. For instance, we'll see a sudden spike in the number of men in Los Angeles volunteering for immediate Peace Corps placement or long term live-in drug trials.


But the important thing to remember is that I am totally open to the idea of dating—completely open and looking forward to it. So very much. And I am in no way using Kayak.com right now to find the fastest, cheapest flight away from this city. Because that would be wrong. Probably.