The Semen Spy

The holidays are clearly upon us. The halls are already decked—actually the winter holiday decorations have been up since October—and people have that festive glow that is probably panic because they’ve realized how little time they have before they can get everything finished. Or maybe that’s just me. But there is no doubt about it, people have their eyes on the prize (or 8 depending on your December inclinations).

Even though it is not yet Thanksgiving, I’ve had the question “what do you want for Christmas”. Frankly, I love this question. It’s so much better than “when are you going to get that damn thing finished” or “you realize your childbearing years are basically over”. The problem is not in the asking, but in the answering. How do I answer that question? I want a career that makes me feel passionately happy on occasion rather than chronically unfulfilled. I want to option this book and have the writer I want agree to do the adaptation for no reason other than he finds me personally intriguing. I want the charity event to be the most amazing thing ever (did I mention that director Rob Bowman is joining Frank Spotnitz for the Q&A), and raise a huge amount of money for NF (which is wildly under-funded for a disease this widespread). I’d like to find a relationship that is immediately comfortable with a man of honor who also finds the war on pubic hair disturbing. The problem is, none of these things fits well into a stocking.

There is one present; however, I really don’t want to receive. Also, don’t ask for it. Ok, maybe you can ask for it because it might be funny, right before it drives you insane. The present? The Semen Spy.

No, I’m not kidding this device actually exists. While it started out as a forensic tool for police departments and detectives, it has crossed over into the commercial world just in time for the holidays. Honestly, I can’t wait to see the ad campaigns. “Gentleman, think your woman is a cheating whore? Buy our product and see the glowing stains to prove it before you throw her skank ass out… also available in green.” Or “think the mailman looks a little too happy when he glances through your door? Before you set the dogs on him, turn out the lights and see the spray”.

I get how using this at the office would make sense. You might be reasonably sure that your husband and his frothy friend aren’t banging on the desk, so if the desk lights up like a Christmas tree for residue, you might have cause for confrontation. But otherwise, I don’t really understand how this is supposed to work for the average jealous mate. From what I can tell, it only shows you where the presence of semen has been. This isn’t television—there is no magical caption that pops that reads “Bob’s sperm—oh, wait, your name isn’t Bob. Burn.” So, guys, you better make darn sure you haven’t been spending some quality time on that couch before you hose it down for a little weekend forensics. Also, ladies, be careful. If you come home and find your man fondling your underwear, he may not have a panty fetish after all. No, he might just be waving a UV wand over Victoria’s Secret before swabbing them for a sample.

God bless relationships and the madness they bring. I mean, how could this possibly go wrong? Oh, and I’d like to point out that thus far, there is no female equivalent. No, ladies, if you are looking for trace vagina evidence on your man’s cigars, you’ll have to wait until next Christmas.

Ah, the holidays. You can just feel the good will flowing, can’t you?


Kate

P.S. I do, however, completely endorse the spy camera with the lens that looks like a dime. I’d like one of those, please.

I Kid You Not

Little did I know that I had stumbled on to the new hot topic in dating: the affair. Check out this TMZ article:

http://www.tmz.com/2008/11/06/dating-site-for-cheaters-scores/

That’s right; the tag line is “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” That lovely ad, complete with sentiment, will be running in Super Bowl programs – I guess we can at least be glad that they don’t have air time yet. Thank goodness the Super Bowl is never a family event…. oh, wait. On the upside, it could signal a valuable lesson for the kids about betrayal and how people have the morals of muskrats (side note, apologies to muskrats as you may actually have deeply profound morals, unlike the people who frequent those cheating websites, and I am just unaware of them.)

Well, thank goodness all of us heterosexuals are busy supporting the sanctity of marriage. If you just lost your marriage to the ridiculousness of Prop 8 here in California, you must really love seeing this.

What the hell is wrong with people?

That Ad Says What?

I’m not a big fan of adultery. Don’t believe me?

My friend Pen was having a bit of a sleep, and the dream that filtered through was of Pen having (no doubt) deep and meaningful conversation with a certain married actor. Apparently, this moment of great intellectual discourse with the man who once played someone tall, dark and spooky became… um… romantic. But just as she was moving from osculating to something a bit more horizontal, she stopped. And she told him “no, I can’t.” Why? She claims to have heard a little voice in her head saying “this is wrong—he’s married”. That’s right. She heard me. From that day on, she has referred to me as “Kate, the Fantasy Killer”. It’s a moniker I take great pride in, mostly because I like to be difficult (t-shirts will be available in the lobby). For some reason, she was slightly less amused that I’m moralizing in her dreams, but hey… we’ve all got a calling.

Anyway, with certain exceptions (and I’m betting some of you can figure out what those are), I’m not someone who is going to enable that kind of extracurricular activity. So, imagine my shock when I saw this ad running on my blog about the lovely and talented Bonnie Hunt, courtesy of Google:

Nice. How about an ad that says:

• “Married, but feel unfulfilled—talk to your spouse”


• “Married, but feel unfulfilled because you are a selfish bastard”


• “Married, but think the world is yours to screw with because you’re completely entitled to be the center of the universe”


• “Married, but you don’t think the rules apply to you”


• “Married, but took those vows to be more like helpful suggestions than anything truly binding”


• “Married, but because she’s working, taking care of the kids and the house, she didn’t spend enough time oooh and ahhhhing over your stupid court case-- so you think it’s ok to hook up with someone who will be more suitably impressed with you?”


• “Married, but like the idea of splitting everything you own because you live in a community property state”


• “Married, but miss the possibility of catching an STD that makes your dick shrivel”


• “Married, but your picture of your life always involved someone much younger and blonde, and what the heck, you’ve earned her”


• “Married, but getting a promotion, and your current wife doesn’t match your new office”
  
  

Kate, The Fantasy Killer (and just slightly disgusted)