After I returned to Los Angeles, I had about 3 days to get ready for the small screening and reception that I was helping to plan. I thought that this was the best possible time to try out my new found “will date” energy. I was determined to hit the ground running. As it turned out, the ground did most of the hitting.
The plan was sound. Since I was allowed to invite people, and I knew the standing invite list, I could stack the deck in my favor. I thought there were two gentleman callers of real possibility, with a third being potentially troublesome, but worth considering.
That’s three men—all seemingly single, invited to the same event, who know me (at least a little bit), who seem pleasant. Game was on!
The first responded to the invitation, and was bringing a date. Ok, fine. I eliminated him from the potential dating pool. He was probably too young for me, anyway. Also, he was probably too good looking for me. It’s not that I don’t like great looking guys—it’s just that they don’t often look in my direction when there are hordes of 23 year old models here in LA as alternate choices.
The second responded to me, but brought a buddy. Hard to work the party, work the flirt and focus the flirt in a non-obvious way around the buddy. Plus, I was sort of banned from dating him by a mutual friend a while ago, so maybe it was for the best.
The third—here would be gold. I was sure of it. Remember this guy: http://katedating.blogspot.com/search?q=kate+talks+to+a+boy ?
Fine Figure of Man was on the invite list. We’ve chatted over email periodically. He flirted a little. I flirted lamely. But still, there was some flirt precedence. When I had emailed him a month earlier, he was excited at the prospect of the screening—not a surprise, he is in the movie.
I didn’t want to leave anything to chance, though. So, when I got back into town, I emailed him just to express my pleasure that his screen debut was soon to arrive.
Nothing.
I monitored the invitation RSVP list.
Crickets.
I went back to myspace, and his last log in date was actually a couple of days before I got back to LA. Hmmmmm.
Still, not to be deterred, I figured that he would just appear at the screening, and I added him to the list as a precaution. I mean, I couldn’t have him turned away on a “not on the list” technicality. Sure, the people working the door would recognize him from the film, but I was taking no chances.
And apparently, I was taking no offers for dates either because he didn’t come. He never responded to the earlier myspace missive. Official radio silence.
There are clearly a million reasons why he didn’t come up for the screening—many, many reasons, and at least two or three that would be good enough for me. But the question now stands—do I continue to casually contact him anyway? For instance, some sort of gentle and charming inquiry such as “Where the hell were you?”
Not that I want to seem clingy, critical and demanding right away—I like to save that for the actual relationship.
What say you?
Kate’s love score: 0 for 3
Kate, feeling mildly stood up, in LA
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Part 2: The Weekend
Two days before I was supposed to leave town his name showed up on the reservation list. What had been an overwhelming feeling was 100% confirmed. And I was calm. Ready. And in many ways looking forward to spending time with him, as well as our other friends, in a place where time really has stood still.
Alas, the lives of its graduates have not stood still, and suddenly I was struck with the thought—what if he isn’t alone? I mean, it isn’t unreasonable that he would want to bring his “very nearly wife” to campus with him. Sure, she’d been there before, and their wedding was coming up, but still… I was ready to say goodbye. I was ready to accept all the changes. I was ready to move to friend mode.
However, I was not ready to spend the weekend with his almost wife. I was really not ready to spend the weekend in the room next to him and his almost wife. Because you know that’s how it would work. I had just figured out that the classes closest to each other would be staying in the same building. Which meant that in an act of malfeasance, the universe would have been tapping its fingers together and saying “ah, yes, I know exactly how this should go…”
Needless to say, I sent a very quick note off to a mutual friend to find out. His reply was “he hasn’t mentioned it” and then “he doesn’t know if she’s coming”. He doesn’t know? He doesn’t know? How do you not know these things? Thankfully, our delightful mutual friend offered to change rooms with me if the worst happened.
It didn’t. He came alone.
I had been on campus for about 45 minutes, when I headed back to a lounge to wait for our mutual friend, O, to arrive. I had no idea when The Ex was getting into town, but since he typically arrived everywhere at the last minute when we were dating, I figured I had at least the evening and part of the next day.
I was wrong.
I was sitting there, and I noticed someone come through the first set of doors. I didn’t see his face. But I knew. Something about the way this man moved—his stride, demeanor, something immediately struck awareness in me. I was frozen.
And there he was.
He kept walking toward the elevators, but said hello to me in passing, as any polite individual would. I sort of laughed and said “Hi” (bringing out my big linguistic guns for this one). And then, there we were. Realizing it was me, he dropped his bags, came down into the lounge and then the music swelled. We pledged our undying love and eloped.
Yeah, nice try. In the movie of my life, that will be my choice. The reality, while not cinematic, was still something I’ll replay in moments of weakness, I’m sure. It was a hug—a totally enveloping, pick me off the floor, still feel it in the morning, hug. The Ex is almost a foot taller than I am, and while the man may have his faults, he knows how to hug.
The next sentence out of my mouth wasn’t a declaration of love, or a jump into nostalgia. It was “so, I guess this answers the question of whether or not you’re coming”. It was met with humor, and a good dose of confusion as he did not realize his presence had ever been up for debate, or a subject of concern. He was, after all, off living his life while internal drama had settled in on the west coast. Apparently, he hadn’t picked up those mind reading skills that I often wished he had when we were together.
For the next three days, The Ex, O, other friends and I played. We reminisced, and enjoyed the days like real life, work, rent and aged ovaries held no concern. At one point, before the big gala, O asked me if I was going to try to talk The Ex out of his impending marriage. The answer was no. Nor was there ever a hint of impropriety.
How about awkwardness, you ask?
Yeah. There were a couple moments of that. We didn’t discuss his almost wife for the first day, or so. I could tell that he was trying to keep that low key, presumably out of deference to my feelings. I avoided it because… well, because that’s what I do. You should probably know that he and I had never discussed her. No back and forth—ever. Contact that I’ve had with him by email over the last year has been friendly, but solely focused on his career, mine, etc.
Finally, I decided that not talking about it was getting a bit silly, and it was time for me to stop flinching. So, as we were walking ahead of the group, I said to him “I’ve been avoiding the subject because I hate the idea of you marrying someone else, but tell me about her”. And with a nod of acknowledgement, he did.
And I lived.
To be honest, I do hope he’s happy, and I hope that she is amazing. I’d be hurt if this was just a timing thing. I want her to be the best thing that is ever happened to him.
So, the weekend went on. I was never back in my room before 2 am—shocking given my penchant for being tucked in by 9pm at the latest. It was fun, and for the most part, I just let the rest go.
Memorable moments?
The weekend was full of new experiences with old friends, and lots of plans, mostly professional ones, for the future. But there was one story told by a new friend, that I have to share.
This girl, who I had never met, knew O and had met The Ex, years ago (probably 5-6 years into our relationship). I have no idea where I was, probably working, but the three of them had gone with some other friends to a baseball game. When O introduced us, she said—“wait, you’re The Ex’s Kate”? At which point, all the people there who knew him, and didn’t know that he and I had dated, figured it out fairly quickly. The girl explained that she didn’t know me, barely knew him, but by the end of the game, she knew all about The Ex’s Kate. She knew I was a dancer. She knew where I had worked. She knew what I hoped to do. She knew everything about me. And she said she was thrilled to finally put a face to a name.
I didn’t really say much, other than that was really sweet to hear. But inside, there was part of my brain that kicked in and started nudging me. I’m not sure why, but I think I had convinced myself that the relationship hadn’t meant all that much to him. I mean, he was the one who finally decided to end it. Part of my brain found it easier to accept that it hadn’t mattered rather than accept that he loved me, but didn’t think it could work. So, to realize that he had been proud enough of the relationship to talk someone’s ear off about it was a bit of surprise. I think at this point, something in me started to shift.
Of course, he is still a guy, so he nearly needed to be smacked regardless of all of his exemplary work to that point. Why do boys speak? Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times over the years when things were going along smoothly only to be derailed because he spoke.
We were walking over to a picnic (O, The Ex and I) when The Ex started telling a story involving me and some campus fun many moons ago. Just as hilarity was about to ensue, he accidentally inserted the name of his almost wife into the story instead of mine. That’s right, ladies, he called me by her name. And he didn’t notice. He just kept talking. Meanwhile, I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth to physically stop myself from vocalizing my…um…surprise. And O looked over at me immediately to see if he had heard correctly. Actually, he had that look on his face that said – If I weren’t a white, late 30 something, straight male, I’d be yelling “Oh, no, he din’t” and snapping my fingers right now.
Naturally, I demurely refrained from interrupting the story so as not to embarrass him.
Yeah, right! In my new role of friend, rather than supportive girlfriend, I so called him on it! And he was suitably mortified and apologetic. Ha! You better be buddy, if you ….
This one slightly dicey moment aside (thank goodness I was wearing my “so dealing with it” lipstick), I loved the weekend. I saw old friends. I made new contacts, and I played, which I do so little of in my day to day life. But more than that, I got something that I somehow knew I needed—more time. I had the chance to spend three and a half more days with someone I love. I was granted days of hugs, stories and friendship, and I was granted a measure of peace. I realized after days of really listening to him that he wasn’t just important to me, but that I had been important to him.
I’m not saying there weren’t some tears when we said goodbye. But we said the things that needed to be said.
And I let him go.
Alas, the lives of its graduates have not stood still, and suddenly I was struck with the thought—what if he isn’t alone? I mean, it isn’t unreasonable that he would want to bring his “very nearly wife” to campus with him. Sure, she’d been there before, and their wedding was coming up, but still… I was ready to say goodbye. I was ready to accept all the changes. I was ready to move to friend mode.
However, I was not ready to spend the weekend with his almost wife. I was really not ready to spend the weekend in the room next to him and his almost wife. Because you know that’s how it would work. I had just figured out that the classes closest to each other would be staying in the same building. Which meant that in an act of malfeasance, the universe would have been tapping its fingers together and saying “ah, yes, I know exactly how this should go…”
Needless to say, I sent a very quick note off to a mutual friend to find out. His reply was “he hasn’t mentioned it” and then “he doesn’t know if she’s coming”. He doesn’t know? He doesn’t know? How do you not know these things? Thankfully, our delightful mutual friend offered to change rooms with me if the worst happened.
It didn’t. He came alone.
I had been on campus for about 45 minutes, when I headed back to a lounge to wait for our mutual friend, O, to arrive. I had no idea when The Ex was getting into town, but since he typically arrived everywhere at the last minute when we were dating, I figured I had at least the evening and part of the next day.
I was wrong.
I was sitting there, and I noticed someone come through the first set of doors. I didn’t see his face. But I knew. Something about the way this man moved—his stride, demeanor, something immediately struck awareness in me. I was frozen.
And there he was.
He kept walking toward the elevators, but said hello to me in passing, as any polite individual would. I sort of laughed and said “Hi” (bringing out my big linguistic guns for this one). And then, there we were. Realizing it was me, he dropped his bags, came down into the lounge and then the music swelled. We pledged our undying love and eloped.
Yeah, nice try. In the movie of my life, that will be my choice. The reality, while not cinematic, was still something I’ll replay in moments of weakness, I’m sure. It was a hug—a totally enveloping, pick me off the floor, still feel it in the morning, hug. The Ex is almost a foot taller than I am, and while the man may have his faults, he knows how to hug.
The next sentence out of my mouth wasn’t a declaration of love, or a jump into nostalgia. It was “so, I guess this answers the question of whether or not you’re coming”. It was met with humor, and a good dose of confusion as he did not realize his presence had ever been up for debate, or a subject of concern. He was, after all, off living his life while internal drama had settled in on the west coast. Apparently, he hadn’t picked up those mind reading skills that I often wished he had when we were together.
For the next three days, The Ex, O, other friends and I played. We reminisced, and enjoyed the days like real life, work, rent and aged ovaries held no concern. At one point, before the big gala, O asked me if I was going to try to talk The Ex out of his impending marriage. The answer was no. Nor was there ever a hint of impropriety.
How about awkwardness, you ask?
Yeah. There were a couple moments of that. We didn’t discuss his almost wife for the first day, or so. I could tell that he was trying to keep that low key, presumably out of deference to my feelings. I avoided it because… well, because that’s what I do. You should probably know that he and I had never discussed her. No back and forth—ever. Contact that I’ve had with him by email over the last year has been friendly, but solely focused on his career, mine, etc.
Finally, I decided that not talking about it was getting a bit silly, and it was time for me to stop flinching. So, as we were walking ahead of the group, I said to him “I’ve been avoiding the subject because I hate the idea of you marrying someone else, but tell me about her”. And with a nod of acknowledgement, he did.
And I lived.
To be honest, I do hope he’s happy, and I hope that she is amazing. I’d be hurt if this was just a timing thing. I want her to be the best thing that is ever happened to him.
So, the weekend went on. I was never back in my room before 2 am—shocking given my penchant for being tucked in by 9pm at the latest. It was fun, and for the most part, I just let the rest go.
Memorable moments?
The weekend was full of new experiences with old friends, and lots of plans, mostly professional ones, for the future. But there was one story told by a new friend, that I have to share.
This girl, who I had never met, knew O and had met The Ex, years ago (probably 5-6 years into our relationship). I have no idea where I was, probably working, but the three of them had gone with some other friends to a baseball game. When O introduced us, she said—“wait, you’re The Ex’s Kate”? At which point, all the people there who knew him, and didn’t know that he and I had dated, figured it out fairly quickly. The girl explained that she didn’t know me, barely knew him, but by the end of the game, she knew all about The Ex’s Kate. She knew I was a dancer. She knew where I had worked. She knew what I hoped to do. She knew everything about me. And she said she was thrilled to finally put a face to a name.
I didn’t really say much, other than that was really sweet to hear. But inside, there was part of my brain that kicked in and started nudging me. I’m not sure why, but I think I had convinced myself that the relationship hadn’t meant all that much to him. I mean, he was the one who finally decided to end it. Part of my brain found it easier to accept that it hadn’t mattered rather than accept that he loved me, but didn’t think it could work. So, to realize that he had been proud enough of the relationship to talk someone’s ear off about it was a bit of surprise. I think at this point, something in me started to shift.
Of course, he is still a guy, so he nearly needed to be smacked regardless of all of his exemplary work to that point. Why do boys speak? Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times over the years when things were going along smoothly only to be derailed because he spoke.
We were walking over to a picnic (O, The Ex and I) when The Ex started telling a story involving me and some campus fun many moons ago. Just as hilarity was about to ensue, he accidentally inserted the name of his almost wife into the story instead of mine. That’s right, ladies, he called me by her name. And he didn’t notice. He just kept talking. Meanwhile, I literally gasped and put my hand over my mouth to physically stop myself from vocalizing my…um…surprise. And O looked over at me immediately to see if he had heard correctly. Actually, he had that look on his face that said – If I weren’t a white, late 30 something, straight male, I’d be yelling “Oh, no, he din’t” and snapping my fingers right now.
Naturally, I demurely refrained from interrupting the story so as not to embarrass him.
Yeah, right! In my new role of friend, rather than supportive girlfriend, I so called him on it! And he was suitably mortified and apologetic. Ha! You better be buddy, if you ….
This one slightly dicey moment aside (thank goodness I was wearing my “so dealing with it” lipstick), I loved the weekend. I saw old friends. I made new contacts, and I played, which I do so little of in my day to day life. But more than that, I got something that I somehow knew I needed—more time. I had the chance to spend three and a half more days with someone I love. I was granted days of hugs, stories and friendship, and I was granted a measure of peace. I realized after days of really listening to him that he wasn’t just important to me, but that I had been important to him.
I’m not saying there weren’t some tears when we said goodbye. But we said the things that needed to be said.
And I let him go.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Part 1: The Decision
Wow. It has been a while. Where the hell have I been? Little Miss Anti-social had a packed calendar all of a sudden. While it did not include George Clooney (woe is me), it did include party planning, visiting family, shopping, spending every waking moment for 3 days with The Ex, a movie screening and the discovery of a fabulous new nail polish.
Whew! Busy times. So, what do you want to know about? LOL! Yeah, I know. I know. The nail polish. Ok, it is a barely there pink called “Jane”. I rarely go girlie, but it goes with almost everything.
Are those cyber-darts you are lobbing at me like mini-grenades? ;)
Remember this post (http://katedating.blogspot.com/2007_03_01_archive.html) I made months ago? It was a passing thought that for no reason that made sense to me at the time, wouldn’t leave me alone. The “what if” just kept swirling around me—coming over me at the strangest times. It was as though storm clouds were heading my way and the wind was whispering “something wicked this way comes”.
You see even though I didn’t know I’d see him, a part of me did know. In fact, apparently, a part of me knew back in October. My friend B said, in reference to the drama with The Ex: “Well, at least the drama is over—you wont ever see him again”. My response? “It’s not over”.
Sometimes you just know.
We are on opposite sides of the country. We have no mutual friends in each other’s respective states. Most of our mutual friends are already married. And I was certainly not getting an invitation to his nuptials (which are Saturday, for those of you playing along at home).
I just knew.
I can see the Greek Chorus swaying in the background shouting “why didn’t you just run?”
I tried not to go. No really, an actual try. Not a half-hearted, kind of “no, I shouldn’t” while giggling and madly packing. I even made plane reservations that would have made it impossible to attend. I was so stressed beforehand that I was practically sick. So when I made those reservations, I waited for the relief of a decision well made.
It didn’t come. Somehow the body knew that what was logical, mature and responsible was also the wrong decision.
Still struggling with my pent up lack of relief, I had a conversation with my friend Chloe, who is entirely to blame for all of this… oh yes, she is! She had the audacity to ask me the following questions: “Are you going to regret not going? Are you just going to spend the next year obsessing over what might have been, or what you missed?”
Sigh. This is why you should never be friends with people who know you well. Seriously, once someone knows you really well, you should ship them off to Iceland with no internet or phone access.
I made one last valiant attempt. I left it up to the universe. I’d like to point out that I do not believe that the universe has a plan for my love life, only a sense of humor bordering on malevolence. We flipped a coin. It did not land on the side of running away. Somehow, even the freakin coin knew. I suggested 2 out of 3, Chloe pointed out that the universe had already answered, and my additional frantic flipping wouldn’t count.
Five minutes later I changed all of my plane reservations. I wrote to my friends again and told them I was coming to the event after all. Then I waited for the panic to settle over me. It didn’t come.
None of my normal reactions kicked in. No frantic shopping sprees followed the decision. No binge dieting for an event that was just a week or so down the line. No emergency plastic surgery, honey blond hair extensions, or teeth whitening.
I was just calm. I knew that even though his name wasn’t on the RSVP list the week of the event, and we hadn’t spoken, that he would be there. I was as calm as I have ever been before getting on a plane – because I knew I would finally get a real chance to say goodbye.
(coming next: the good, the new and the “he said what?”)
Whew! Busy times. So, what do you want to know about? LOL! Yeah, I know. I know. The nail polish. Ok, it is a barely there pink called “Jane”. I rarely go girlie, but it goes with almost everything.
Are those cyber-darts you are lobbing at me like mini-grenades? ;)
Remember this post (http://katedating.blogspot.com/2007_03_01_archive.html) I made months ago? It was a passing thought that for no reason that made sense to me at the time, wouldn’t leave me alone. The “what if” just kept swirling around me—coming over me at the strangest times. It was as though storm clouds were heading my way and the wind was whispering “something wicked this way comes”.
You see even though I didn’t know I’d see him, a part of me did know. In fact, apparently, a part of me knew back in October. My friend B said, in reference to the drama with The Ex: “Well, at least the drama is over—you wont ever see him again”. My response? “It’s not over”.
Sometimes you just know.
We are on opposite sides of the country. We have no mutual friends in each other’s respective states. Most of our mutual friends are already married. And I was certainly not getting an invitation to his nuptials (which are Saturday, for those of you playing along at home).
I just knew.
I can see the Greek Chorus swaying in the background shouting “why didn’t you just run?”
I tried not to go. No really, an actual try. Not a half-hearted, kind of “no, I shouldn’t” while giggling and madly packing. I even made plane reservations that would have made it impossible to attend. I was so stressed beforehand that I was practically sick. So when I made those reservations, I waited for the relief of a decision well made.
It didn’t come. Somehow the body knew that what was logical, mature and responsible was also the wrong decision.
Still struggling with my pent up lack of relief, I had a conversation with my friend Chloe, who is entirely to blame for all of this… oh yes, she is! She had the audacity to ask me the following questions: “Are you going to regret not going? Are you just going to spend the next year obsessing over what might have been, or what you missed?”
Sigh. This is why you should never be friends with people who know you well. Seriously, once someone knows you really well, you should ship them off to Iceland with no internet or phone access.
I made one last valiant attempt. I left it up to the universe. I’d like to point out that I do not believe that the universe has a plan for my love life, only a sense of humor bordering on malevolence. We flipped a coin. It did not land on the side of running away. Somehow, even the freakin coin knew. I suggested 2 out of 3, Chloe pointed out that the universe had already answered, and my additional frantic flipping wouldn’t count.
Five minutes later I changed all of my plane reservations. I wrote to my friends again and told them I was coming to the event after all. Then I waited for the panic to settle over me. It didn’t come.
None of my normal reactions kicked in. No frantic shopping sprees followed the decision. No binge dieting for an event that was just a week or so down the line. No emergency plastic surgery, honey blond hair extensions, or teeth whitening.
I was just calm. I knew that even though his name wasn’t on the RSVP list the week of the event, and we hadn’t spoken, that he would be there. I was as calm as I have ever been before getting on a plane – because I knew I would finally get a real chance to say goodbye.
(coming next: the good, the new and the “he said what?”)
Monday, May 28, 2007
Another Sign
Does anyone else here keep getting “freeze your eggs before it’s too late, which it practically is already, God, you’re old, seriously, time is not only ticking, but you’ve basically expired, your womb is heading toward arid and abandoned, I mean we’re talking about the Sahara down there” brochures in the mail?
Just me?
I swear, I get one of these brochures about once every month, or two, now. It always features an adorable baby and an older woman (which means the model is probably 22) looking happy and playful. You know there is some sort of virile, delighted male presence standing off in the shadows. Not doing any work, of course, but he’s lurking somewhere pretending to be helpful.
Here’s the funny thing—the fine print has an age limit remarkably close to my own age. In fact, I’ve already passed the optimal freezing age. So, this groundbreaking technology is almost as beyond me as the low tech options.
Excellent.
I never really thought about having kids. It was never a generic goal. When I was with The Ex, I thought about us as parents. When that ended, I didn’t think about it anymore.
It’s not upsetting exactly. It’s more like disconcerting. I just assumed that ultimately it would be my choice. Looks like life may end up making that choice for me instead.
The next brochure will probably be specifically for me—as in the type on the front will actually say “Kate, Congratulations on killing your prime reproductive years on Prince Waste-Your-Time and then compounding it by mourning his loss for years and choosing to spend next weekend with him and your mutual friends in the place where you met. For the low, low price of…”
Yeah. Got to love the junk mail that makes you question all of your life’s choices.
Kate
P.S. If you are thinking what I think you are thinking—I know, and it is Chloe’s fault.
Just me?
I swear, I get one of these brochures about once every month, or two, now. It always features an adorable baby and an older woman (which means the model is probably 22) looking happy and playful. You know there is some sort of virile, delighted male presence standing off in the shadows. Not doing any work, of course, but he’s lurking somewhere pretending to be helpful.
Here’s the funny thing—the fine print has an age limit remarkably close to my own age. In fact, I’ve already passed the optimal freezing age. So, this groundbreaking technology is almost as beyond me as the low tech options.
Excellent.
I never really thought about having kids. It was never a generic goal. When I was with The Ex, I thought about us as parents. When that ended, I didn’t think about it anymore.
It’s not upsetting exactly. It’s more like disconcerting. I just assumed that ultimately it would be my choice. Looks like life may end up making that choice for me instead.
The next brochure will probably be specifically for me—as in the type on the front will actually say “Kate, Congratulations on killing your prime reproductive years on Prince Waste-Your-Time and then compounding it by mourning his loss for years and choosing to spend next weekend with him and your mutual friends in the place where you met. For the low, low price of…”
Yeah. Got to love the junk mail that makes you question all of your life’s choices.
Kate
P.S. If you are thinking what I think you are thinking—I know, and it is Chloe’s fault.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Totally Worth It
Now this is a man who cares about his girlfriend’s needs:
http://www.tmz.com/2007/05/24/clooney-turns-tricks-in-cannes/
$350,000 for a kiss from George Clooney (oh, and a lovely vacation, I’m sure) … hmmm sounds perfectly reasonable, actually. I’m just a little short of that. I’m sure if I cut out life’s little luxuries like food and shelter, in a few years I could get maybe a touch on the arm.
Maybe we should have some sort of charitable fundraiser. I’m actually starting the foundation paperwork right now. I’m torn on the name of the foundation, though. Should it be called “Give Money to Kate for George Clooney Kisses Foundation”, or “$350,000 is a small price to pay for true love… or something a little to the left of love Foundation”, or “Yes, Kate Really Is that Desperate Foundation”? OR maybe it should be something more generic so that when we invariably raise far more than $350,000 for such a worthy cause, other deserving women can receive financial assistance. For instance, I am perfectly willing, after winning the fair George, of course, to assist my friend Chloe in her quest for Paul Walker. He might be even a little less expensive than George—we might be able to get Paul Walker kisses for closer to $200,000.
No, I don’t see the similarities between this and prostitution. Why? This is charity. And as I’ve noted many times, I’m all about the giving.
Kate, looking for loose change so she can start the bidding
http://www.tmz.com/2007/05/24/clooney-turns-tricks-in-cannes/
$350,000 for a kiss from George Clooney (oh, and a lovely vacation, I’m sure) … hmmm sounds perfectly reasonable, actually. I’m just a little short of that. I’m sure if I cut out life’s little luxuries like food and shelter, in a few years I could get maybe a touch on the arm.
Maybe we should have some sort of charitable fundraiser. I’m actually starting the foundation paperwork right now. I’m torn on the name of the foundation, though. Should it be called “Give Money to Kate for George Clooney Kisses Foundation”, or “$350,000 is a small price to pay for true love… or something a little to the left of love Foundation”, or “Yes, Kate Really Is that Desperate Foundation”? OR maybe it should be something more generic so that when we invariably raise far more than $350,000 for such a worthy cause, other deserving women can receive financial assistance. For instance, I am perfectly willing, after winning the fair George, of course, to assist my friend Chloe in her quest for Paul Walker. He might be even a little less expensive than George—we might be able to get Paul Walker kisses for closer to $200,000.
No, I don’t see the similarities between this and prostitution. Why? This is charity. And as I’ve noted many times, I’m all about the giving.
Kate, looking for loose change so she can start the bidding
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Just a Bit of Fun
I was reading my horoscope yesterday, and it explicitly said that “today was my day for major flirting”. Well, far be it for me to argue with the sage wisdom of the heavens. If flirting had to be done, I was ready to do it.
Only one problem—there was no one already in my apartment to enjoy my efforts. I’ve been dieting, so I’ve been neglecting the pizza guy. I think he’s feeling hurt, so now it’s just awkward to call. He probably thinks I’m cheating with Pizza Hut (Where is the trust?). Also, ever since webvan went out of business, Brad, the delightful delivery boy hasn’t visited. He doesn’t write… or call…
I thought about trying my neighbors down by the pool, but let’s face it, flirting with neighbors could have unintended consequences. For instance, they know where you live. Flirting seems like an invitation. I flirt, and they might think they are welcome to stop by for a visit. I like to discourage everyone from stopping by. No, seriously, everyone—even people I actually like. So, you can see why flirting in my own apartment building could be very dangerous.
So, I took my show on the road. I headed toward Malibu. Malibu—the shining beacon of light and beach fantasy living. In reality, Malibu is really just a beach town. A beach town with some amazing real estate, sure, but the attitude is pure beach town. A beach town full of lovely sight seeing opportunities. And by sight seeing—you know I don’t mean museums.
Luck was with me. My horoscope was absolutely accurate. It said I would flirt, and I did. Twice. The object of my affections? Two lovely members of the Malibu Fire Department. Hmmmmm Firemen. These men were quite literally standing by the side of the road waiting for me. Of course, they were also looking for charitable donations, and I was inspired to great charity—once going up to the beach, and once coming back. I tossed my hair, and smiled, which then turned into something just slightly grotesque as my hair got sort of caught in my lipgloss and teeth. But I think men find spitting hair out of your mouth sexy, right?
I’m actually surprised they didn’t think I was stalking them because the up and back happened in fairly quick succession. The fog hadn’t burned off up there, so I basically drove up, stayed for a half an hour and drove back. But still, I considered the trip a success. After all, the view was spectacular. ;)
Let’s hope my next horoscope is as much fun!
Kate
Only one problem—there was no one already in my apartment to enjoy my efforts. I’ve been dieting, so I’ve been neglecting the pizza guy. I think he’s feeling hurt, so now it’s just awkward to call. He probably thinks I’m cheating with Pizza Hut (Where is the trust?). Also, ever since webvan went out of business, Brad, the delightful delivery boy hasn’t visited. He doesn’t write… or call…
I thought about trying my neighbors down by the pool, but let’s face it, flirting with neighbors could have unintended consequences. For instance, they know where you live. Flirting seems like an invitation. I flirt, and they might think they are welcome to stop by for a visit. I like to discourage everyone from stopping by. No, seriously, everyone—even people I actually like. So, you can see why flirting in my own apartment building could be very dangerous.
So, I took my show on the road. I headed toward Malibu. Malibu—the shining beacon of light and beach fantasy living. In reality, Malibu is really just a beach town. A beach town with some amazing real estate, sure, but the attitude is pure beach town. A beach town full of lovely sight seeing opportunities. And by sight seeing—you know I don’t mean museums.
Luck was with me. My horoscope was absolutely accurate. It said I would flirt, and I did. Twice. The object of my affections? Two lovely members of the Malibu Fire Department. Hmmmmm Firemen. These men were quite literally standing by the side of the road waiting for me. Of course, they were also looking for charitable donations, and I was inspired to great charity—once going up to the beach, and once coming back. I tossed my hair, and smiled, which then turned into something just slightly grotesque as my hair got sort of caught in my lipgloss and teeth. But I think men find spitting hair out of your mouth sexy, right?
I’m actually surprised they didn’t think I was stalking them because the up and back happened in fairly quick succession. The fog hadn’t burned off up there, so I basically drove up, stayed for a half an hour and drove back. But still, I considered the trip a success. After all, the view was spectacular. ;)
Let’s hope my next horoscope is as much fun!
Kate
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Do You Ever Notice?
Do you ever notice that when you learn a new word, or new concept, it suddenly turns up everywhere? You come across it in every new book you read, or the next tv show/movie you see deals with it. Most of the time, I find this coincidence to be entertaining. Well, it seems to work the same way with things you want to avoid. At the moment, I’m trying to avoid an old concept, and it just seems to be attacking me from all sides.
What concept?
Weddings.
Weddings are everywhere. Most of the season finales on TV right now are featuring weddings. Every magazine has “last minute details for your perfect wedding” taunting me. Most of my friends are getting ready to go to at least one friend’s wedding. I read this raunchy/funny blog written by a friend of mine, and I swear he’s gone to (and written about) a wedding every couple of weeks lately. Hell, even the guy who manages his website just got engaged.
It’s like I’m trapped inside a funhouse where the mirrors are tilting and demented clowns are jumping out at me while laughing hysterically.
Look, I get that it is almost June. I get that it’s the most popular wedding month. I get that I wasn’t going to be completely able to avoid the idea forever despite covering my ears with my hands and yelling “LA LA LA LA LA”.
I even understand that my sensitivity might be related to the fact that The Ex will be getting married in about a month. Maybe. Possibly. But come on!! I was doing well. I didn’t even break down and buy him a wedding present to prove how much I’ve grown. Nor have I spent much time at all dwelling at all on what he’s going to look like standing at the end of that aisle waiting for someone who isn’t me… well, I wasn’t until right now. Now, I might be dwelling just a bit, but it isn’t anything a little rocking back and forth wont take care of.
I’m not asking for a lot. I’m just asking for the universe to back off a tiny bit for just a few hours.
This has been a public service request—because the public will be served by me not having a bigger mental break.
Thank you.
Kate
What concept?
Weddings.
Weddings are everywhere. Most of the season finales on TV right now are featuring weddings. Every magazine has “last minute details for your perfect wedding” taunting me. Most of my friends are getting ready to go to at least one friend’s wedding. I read this raunchy/funny blog written by a friend of mine, and I swear he’s gone to (and written about) a wedding every couple of weeks lately. Hell, even the guy who manages his website just got engaged.
It’s like I’m trapped inside a funhouse where the mirrors are tilting and demented clowns are jumping out at me while laughing hysterically.
Look, I get that it is almost June. I get that it’s the most popular wedding month. I get that I wasn’t going to be completely able to avoid the idea forever despite covering my ears with my hands and yelling “LA LA LA LA LA”.
I even understand that my sensitivity might be related to the fact that The Ex will be getting married in about a month. Maybe. Possibly. But come on!! I was doing well. I didn’t even break down and buy him a wedding present to prove how much I’ve grown. Nor have I spent much time at all dwelling at all on what he’s going to look like standing at the end of that aisle waiting for someone who isn’t me… well, I wasn’t until right now. Now, I might be dwelling just a bit, but it isn’t anything a little rocking back and forth wont take care of.
I’m not asking for a lot. I’m just asking for the universe to back off a tiny bit for just a few hours.
This has been a public service request—because the public will be served by me not having a bigger mental break.
Thank you.
Kate
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Possibilities are just… um…
Since romanticized belief in “the one” got me pretty much nowhere, I’ve decided to take a practical approach. I’m making a list—I’m very big on “to do” lists, so I’m comfortable with this concept (nothing I like better than being able to check something off!). What is this particular list of? Professions that would yield a suitable mate.
It’s not as crazy as it sounds. I have a very specific life right now. I’m up by 5am at the latest during the week. It’s incredibly hard for me to sleep beyond 7am even on the weekends. Many people make the mistake of suggesting that this makes me a morning person. Um… no. It’s a very good thing that I don’t have to have pleasant interaction with people at those hours. I tend to be very internal on my most social day, and 5am is not a social hour for me.
When I was living with my ex, he had a very different schedule, which ultimately didn’t work for us as a couple. For instance, he liked to eat dinner later than 4:30. Whatever. He’d want to stay up late on weekends and sleep-in to like… oh… 10:00am on weekends. Nuts! Clearly, he had narcoleptic tendencies. And apparently, he wanted a woman who might be awake past 9pm. He was so unreasonable.
My schedule is actual crazier now than it was when I was with him (although significantly less time is spent commuting), but it is a real issue. If someone wanted to meet me for a date at 7pm, I’d probably have a panic attack. Ok, I would definitely have a panic attack because I’d be going on a date. But beside that, I’d have a panic attack because the last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is have to be up and bubbly—actually, just up really is too much for me.
I realize this makes me sound like a 90 year old, but this is my reality. Sure, if there is something really special going on, I’ll concede to later hours, but that’s not a lifestyle option for me. I’d never make it through work.
So, I’m working on a list. What kind of career would mould a man who would understand and even appreciate my lifestyle?
1. Morning news anchor. They get up earlier than I do. I’m not picky—local LA news, CNN, MSNBC, whatever. Plus, I love current events and politics.
2. Morning radio DJ. They also tend to get up earlier than I do. I’m constantly listening to music, but I’m not really into the music scene, so I might not know what they are talking about. Still, a real possibility, I think.
3. Milkman. Do they have milkmen still?
4. Paperboy. Could be potentially tricky to meet a 40 year old paperboy, but it could happen.
5. Senior Center Assistant. He’d be good with people, and he’d understand the whole eating at 4pm thing.
6. um…yeah, I’m out.
Look, if this is the current love of my life we’re talking about, I’d be willing to make concessions periodically. But starting a new relationship with someone who thinks I’m going to change, the work is going to change, or someone I have to pretend with, is not good idea.
So, options? Let me hear them!
Kate, already in her jammies at 6:30, in LA.
It’s not as crazy as it sounds. I have a very specific life right now. I’m up by 5am at the latest during the week. It’s incredibly hard for me to sleep beyond 7am even on the weekends. Many people make the mistake of suggesting that this makes me a morning person. Um… no. It’s a very good thing that I don’t have to have pleasant interaction with people at those hours. I tend to be very internal on my most social day, and 5am is not a social hour for me.
When I was living with my ex, he had a very different schedule, which ultimately didn’t work for us as a couple. For instance, he liked to eat dinner later than 4:30. Whatever. He’d want to stay up late on weekends and sleep-in to like… oh… 10:00am on weekends. Nuts! Clearly, he had narcoleptic tendencies. And apparently, he wanted a woman who might be awake past 9pm. He was so unreasonable.
My schedule is actual crazier now than it was when I was with him (although significantly less time is spent commuting), but it is a real issue. If someone wanted to meet me for a date at 7pm, I’d probably have a panic attack. Ok, I would definitely have a panic attack because I’d be going on a date. But beside that, I’d have a panic attack because the last thing I want to do at the end of a long day is have to be up and bubbly—actually, just up really is too much for me.
I realize this makes me sound like a 90 year old, but this is my reality. Sure, if there is something really special going on, I’ll concede to later hours, but that’s not a lifestyle option for me. I’d never make it through work.
So, I’m working on a list. What kind of career would mould a man who would understand and even appreciate my lifestyle?
1. Morning news anchor. They get up earlier than I do. I’m not picky—local LA news, CNN, MSNBC, whatever. Plus, I love current events and politics.
2. Morning radio DJ. They also tend to get up earlier than I do. I’m constantly listening to music, but I’m not really into the music scene, so I might not know what they are talking about. Still, a real possibility, I think.
3. Milkman. Do they have milkmen still?
4. Paperboy. Could be potentially tricky to meet a 40 year old paperboy, but it could happen.
5. Senior Center Assistant. He’d be good with people, and he’d understand the whole eating at 4pm thing.
6. um…yeah, I’m out.
Look, if this is the current love of my life we’re talking about, I’d be willing to make concessions periodically. But starting a new relationship with someone who thinks I’m going to change, the work is going to change, or someone I have to pretend with, is not good idea.
So, options? Let me hear them!
Kate, already in her jammies at 6:30, in LA.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Shrek is Killing My Love Life
It’s not like I’m not trying at least a teensy bit to date. I am. For instance, periodically, I leave my apartment. And when I do so, at least 35% of the time, I have combed my hair. So, you can see that I’m really putting some effort into this whole “finding another love of a lifetime” thing.
But I’m not getting anywhere. And now not only am I am being thwarted by age, cellulite and antisocial tendencies, but now I am being thwarted by an animated green ogre.
Shrek is killing my love life.
Really, who hasn’t said that sentence before? I’m sure most people have, but this is a first for me. How is the green monster (for once, I’m not talking about envy) trashing my prospects?
I’ve been trying to put together this screening/party thing. I’ve mostly squashed my antisocial outlook, and I’ve tried to embrace this as an opportunity. So, I went out on a limb, and I issued a special invitation to a young gentleman caller (or emailer, really) with whom I’ve chatted on a number of occasions. This constitutes a bold move for me. Bold, people. Very, very bold. Sigh.
Well, the screening date and party plans that we put together have been killed by Shrek. Shrek is booked in for early screenings, so when our original date got pushed, we couldn’t go to the backup date. As of right now, we have no screening date. Which means have no party date. Which means I have no date.
Freakin’ Shrek.
Kate, who shouldn’t be planning parties to begin with, in LA
But I’m not getting anywhere. And now not only am I am being thwarted by age, cellulite and antisocial tendencies, but now I am being thwarted by an animated green ogre.
Shrek is killing my love life.
Really, who hasn’t said that sentence before? I’m sure most people have, but this is a first for me. How is the green monster (for once, I’m not talking about envy) trashing my prospects?
I’ve been trying to put together this screening/party thing. I’ve mostly squashed my antisocial outlook, and I’ve tried to embrace this as an opportunity. So, I went out on a limb, and I issued a special invitation to a young gentleman caller (or emailer, really) with whom I’ve chatted on a number of occasions. This constitutes a bold move for me. Bold, people. Very, very bold. Sigh.
Well, the screening date and party plans that we put together have been killed by Shrek. Shrek is booked in for early screenings, so when our original date got pushed, we couldn’t go to the backup date. As of right now, we have no screening date. Which means have no party date. Which means I have no date.
Freakin’ Shrek.
Kate, who shouldn’t be planning parties to begin with, in LA
Monday, April 30, 2007
Party Planning
I’ve been asked to help schedule and plan a party.
Let’s just let that sink in for a moment.
I have been asked to plan a party. Yeah, because when you think to yourself—gosh, you know who loves going to and throwing parties? Kate. Totally. She loves people. She can’t get enough of people. Social. Social. Social. She’s never home. Life is just one big party for Kate. You certainly don’t find her hiding in a corner behind a plant.
You know what aspect she loves the most—Food. Lord only knows how much she loves dining out, particularly at night. Foodie and Kate are practically synonymous. Foodie, party planning and Kate. She’s really the best person for the job.
I mean… have these people met me? Have the words “I want to throw a party” ever left my mouth? Not to my knowledge. In fact, I’m not sure the words “I want to go to a party” have often left my mouth (alright, there was that one time that involved a guy, a frat party and a toga, but that was years ago, and all the witnesses have been disappeared).
On what planet does someone expect me to have any clue how much food feeds 150 people, or how much that would reasonably cost? I go to the grocery store once a month tops. And if it is food that can’t be eaten while standing over the sink in my kitchen, it’s going to stay in my freezer a very long time.
I’ve known these people for years, but either they aren’t remotely aware of who they are dealing with, or they just don’t have time to do it themselves.
So, dear friends, expect a call. One, or more of you, will be coming very, very soon to a restaurant near you (well, near me). And you will sit down and play taste tester.
Now, any volunteers to help me test out the alcohol? Since I rarely drink, I’m going to need help on that one, too.
Dang… phone is already ringing, and I haven’t even posted this yet.
Lushes. ;)
Please pray for me. Or rather, pray for the guests. They’ve worked hard. They deserve a good time.
Kate
(Ok, go ahead and pray doubly hard for me. I may need to hibernate soon just to recover).
Let’s just let that sink in for a moment.
I have been asked to plan a party. Yeah, because when you think to yourself—gosh, you know who loves going to and throwing parties? Kate. Totally. She loves people. She can’t get enough of people. Social. Social. Social. She’s never home. Life is just one big party for Kate. You certainly don’t find her hiding in a corner behind a plant.
You know what aspect she loves the most—Food. Lord only knows how much she loves dining out, particularly at night. Foodie and Kate are practically synonymous. Foodie, party planning and Kate. She’s really the best person for the job.
I mean… have these people met me? Have the words “I want to throw a party” ever left my mouth? Not to my knowledge. In fact, I’m not sure the words “I want to go to a party” have often left my mouth (alright, there was that one time that involved a guy, a frat party and a toga, but that was years ago, and all the witnesses have been disappeared).
On what planet does someone expect me to have any clue how much food feeds 150 people, or how much that would reasonably cost? I go to the grocery store once a month tops. And if it is food that can’t be eaten while standing over the sink in my kitchen, it’s going to stay in my freezer a very long time.
I’ve known these people for years, but either they aren’t remotely aware of who they are dealing with, or they just don’t have time to do it themselves.
So, dear friends, expect a call. One, or more of you, will be coming very, very soon to a restaurant near you (well, near me). And you will sit down and play taste tester.
Now, any volunteers to help me test out the alcohol? Since I rarely drink, I’m going to need help on that one, too.
Dang… phone is already ringing, and I haven’t even posted this yet.
Lushes. ;)
Please pray for me. Or rather, pray for the guests. They’ve worked hard. They deserve a good time.
Kate
(Ok, go ahead and pray doubly hard for me. I may need to hibernate soon just to recover).
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Open Letter to the Universe
Dear Universe,
Kindly stop f’ing with me.
Your prompt attention to this matter is much appreciated.
Hugs and kisses,
Kate
I am the “anti-Secret” person.
I don’t mean that I can’t keep secrets, I mean that positive thinking book, “The Secret”. I am, apparently, the exception to the positive thinking rule. People who know me in real life are probably nodding along to the home version of the Kate game and saying “yeah, she really is”.
It’s not because positive thinking invariably leads to disappointment. Clearly, it does. But it’s because the word “never” is apparently like catnip to the universe. It can’t resist. I use the word “never”, and you can practically see the tiny universe ears perk up. Its claws come out, and they start tapping. The universe starts licking its lips (Yes, the universe has lips. I’ve seen them.). The universe’s brows knit together (not to be confused with the uni-brow, which is actually something entirely different). And you want to know what the universe says? It says “Reaaaaaaallyyyyy” in a voice sounding very much like Steve Martin in “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”.
Think I’m kidding?
“I’m going to miss Dale so much. Brad’s another matter. I can’t wait for Brad to leave. I’ll never miss that one”. (Dated Brad on and off for 3 years following this statement, but after he enlisted and was shipped off across the country. And yes, missed him terribly in only the way a high school girl can do anything—with lots of drama!).
“We got stuck together for freshman year, but it’s not like I’d ever live with her again. Thank God! I’ll never have to room with her again” (Lived with roommate for another entire year. Didn’t speak to each other at all for the last 4 months of that. Very small room. Quite the challenge. Luckily, I have skills).
“Sure, we’re moving to New Jersey, but at least I won’t have to commute into NYC for work. I’ll never do that. I’ll never work in New York.” (Worked in NYC for slightly less than 4 years with a commute that was 1 ½ to 2 hours each way. Started that less than a month after this statement).
“Fine, so I’m working in NYC. It’s not California. You know I’ll never move all the way out there”. (Yep. Sensing a trend?)
“I’ll never stay at this job if he leaves… or him… or…” (yeah, totally trapped).
“I’ll never drink again” (ok, everyone has that one, but I think mine relates directly to the never above, or the one below).
“I’ll never find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with here”. (Evil. Found him. Lost him. Bad. Bad Universe).
“I’ll never see him, again. Why would I? It’s not like our paths will accidentally cross” (Cross? More like collided).
"Ok, last time I did see him. But that was just fate laughing. I'll never see him ag... uh... really?" (shit)
And this is just a sampling. I have millions of them (some with good results, some—not so much). The universe finds the word “never” to be a challenge. So, now I have a plan. While the rest of the people out there are thinking only thoughts of “this will happen” to get what they want, I’m finally going to put this never thing to good use.
So…
I will never date George Clooney.
I will never marry the man of my post-20 something dreams.
I will never win the lottery.
Ha! Suck it, Universe.
Kate, dodging lightning bolts, in LA
(Unless, of course, the Universe is already wise to this reverse plotting, in which case all those things immediately above… totally going to do those things).
Kindly stop f’ing with me.
Your prompt attention to this matter is much appreciated.
Hugs and kisses,
Kate
I am the “anti-Secret” person.
I don’t mean that I can’t keep secrets, I mean that positive thinking book, “The Secret”. I am, apparently, the exception to the positive thinking rule. People who know me in real life are probably nodding along to the home version of the Kate game and saying “yeah, she really is”.
It’s not because positive thinking invariably leads to disappointment. Clearly, it does. But it’s because the word “never” is apparently like catnip to the universe. It can’t resist. I use the word “never”, and you can practically see the tiny universe ears perk up. Its claws come out, and they start tapping. The universe starts licking its lips (Yes, the universe has lips. I’ve seen them.). The universe’s brows knit together (not to be confused with the uni-brow, which is actually something entirely different). And you want to know what the universe says? It says “Reaaaaaaallyyyyy” in a voice sounding very much like Steve Martin in “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”.
Think I’m kidding?
“I’m going to miss Dale so much. Brad’s another matter. I can’t wait for Brad to leave. I’ll never miss that one”. (Dated Brad on and off for 3 years following this statement, but after he enlisted and was shipped off across the country. And yes, missed him terribly in only the way a high school girl can do anything—with lots of drama!).
“We got stuck together for freshman year, but it’s not like I’d ever live with her again. Thank God! I’ll never have to room with her again” (Lived with roommate for another entire year. Didn’t speak to each other at all for the last 4 months of that. Very small room. Quite the challenge. Luckily, I have skills).
“Sure, we’re moving to New Jersey, but at least I won’t have to commute into NYC for work. I’ll never do that. I’ll never work in New York.” (Worked in NYC for slightly less than 4 years with a commute that was 1 ½ to 2 hours each way. Started that less than a month after this statement).
“Fine, so I’m working in NYC. It’s not California. You know I’ll never move all the way out there”. (Yep. Sensing a trend?)
“I’ll never stay at this job if he leaves… or him… or…” (yeah, totally trapped).
“I’ll never drink again” (ok, everyone has that one, but I think mine relates directly to the never above, or the one below).
“I’ll never find the man I want to spend the rest of my life with here”. (Evil. Found him. Lost him. Bad. Bad Universe).
“I’ll never see him, again. Why would I? It’s not like our paths will accidentally cross” (Cross? More like collided).
"Ok, last time I did see him. But that was just fate laughing. I'll never see him ag... uh... really?" (shit)
And this is just a sampling. I have millions of them (some with good results, some—not so much). The universe finds the word “never” to be a challenge. So, now I have a plan. While the rest of the people out there are thinking only thoughts of “this will happen” to get what they want, I’m finally going to put this never thing to good use.
So…
I will never date George Clooney.
I will never marry the man of my post-20 something dreams.
I will never win the lottery.
Ha! Suck it, Universe.
Kate, dodging lightning bolts, in LA
(Unless, of course, the Universe is already wise to this reverse plotting, in which case all those things immediately above… totally going to do those things).
Friday, April 20, 2007
Quick Question About Destiny
I just have a very quick question about destiny, as we all begin to enjoy the coming weekend. I just looked up the definition of destiny. Dictionary.com has it as “the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.” Cool.
Here’s my question-
If I believe that dating and marrying George Clooney is my destiny, then it really doesn’t matter what I do to achieve this, right? If it is destiny, I’m every bit as likely to see this predetermined course of events occur if I’m plucking my eyebrows, or not plucking them. Right? I could hide in my apartment, celebrating the joy of a room entirely filled with dark chocolate, and still date and marry George. Right? So, the fat sucking, eyebrow plucking, afternoons on all fours in front of a waxer are not really necessary. Total sloth and days filled with the comfort of soft cotton sweats and a blankie are as effective as hours doing ab crunches and spandex-wrapped squats.
Justification. It’s a beautiful thing.
Kate, feeling slothy, in LA.
katedating@yahoo.com
Here’s my question-
If I believe that dating and marrying George Clooney is my destiny, then it really doesn’t matter what I do to achieve this, right? If it is destiny, I’m every bit as likely to see this predetermined course of events occur if I’m plucking my eyebrows, or not plucking them. Right? I could hide in my apartment, celebrating the joy of a room entirely filled with dark chocolate, and still date and marry George. Right? So, the fat sucking, eyebrow plucking, afternoons on all fours in front of a waxer are not really necessary. Total sloth and days filled with the comfort of soft cotton sweats and a blankie are as effective as hours doing ab crunches and spandex-wrapped squats.
Justification. It’s a beautiful thing.
Kate, feeling slothy, in LA.
katedating@yahoo.com
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Here’s the Thing
I have two things on my mind at the moment, so you are getting them both (why does that sound like a threat?).
First:
I really like this article: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23392788-details/
I’m going to concur and say that this is 100% true. This is based on years and years of trying to eat my body weight in chocolate. It’s based on my last biology class, which was sometime last century. It’s also based on years and years of not being kissed, and the bitterness that this has caused—which I suppose has added to my original determination to eat my body weight in chocolate. See, everything comes back to the beginning. Circle of life, my friends :)
If my goal for the year (it’s actually on the sacred New Year’s resolution list) is to go out on a date, eventually there might be a kiss in my future. Right? Ok, so after 5 or 6 months of cautious hand-holding (obviously, after the background check comes back clean—I mean, I’m not easy), I could finally work up to a kiss. But if that kiss has less long-term satisfaction than something I can get now at the grocery store, couldn’t I just jump straight to the chocolate part of the relationship (the one that comes after the break-up and the rocking back and forth in the corner)? It just seems like less work. I mean, I don’t have to fill out a 27 page form in order to meet some chocolate that might be a suitable partner. I’m just saying.
Second:
This thought is for all of you who actually know men. Please pass along this little tip. Boys, don’t hit on a girl while you are complaining to your friend about your current relationship. Seriously, it tends to make the new object of your semi-affection ponder your sincerity.
I was walking through the parking lot of my dance studio when two attractive men were walking towards their cars. The dark-haired guy was quite loudly expressing to his friend that he thought the “honeymoon phase with her” has ended. In the midst of continuing his thought about his relationship, he turned to me and gave me the full-on Joey Tribbiani treatment. I’m not kidding—I got the full “how you doin’?” with the eyebrows and the grin. I couldn’t decide if I should be flattered that a guy actually noticed me, or offended for girlfriends everywhere.
I settled for confused. It’s what I do best.
Kate
First:
I really like this article: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23392788-details/
I’m going to concur and say that this is 100% true. This is based on years and years of trying to eat my body weight in chocolate. It’s based on my last biology class, which was sometime last century. It’s also based on years and years of not being kissed, and the bitterness that this has caused—which I suppose has added to my original determination to eat my body weight in chocolate. See, everything comes back to the beginning. Circle of life, my friends :)
If my goal for the year (it’s actually on the sacred New Year’s resolution list) is to go out on a date, eventually there might be a kiss in my future. Right? Ok, so after 5 or 6 months of cautious hand-holding (obviously, after the background check comes back clean—I mean, I’m not easy), I could finally work up to a kiss. But if that kiss has less long-term satisfaction than something I can get now at the grocery store, couldn’t I just jump straight to the chocolate part of the relationship (the one that comes after the break-up and the rocking back and forth in the corner)? It just seems like less work. I mean, I don’t have to fill out a 27 page form in order to meet some chocolate that might be a suitable partner. I’m just saying.
Second:
This thought is for all of you who actually know men. Please pass along this little tip. Boys, don’t hit on a girl while you are complaining to your friend about your current relationship. Seriously, it tends to make the new object of your semi-affection ponder your sincerity.
I was walking through the parking lot of my dance studio when two attractive men were walking towards their cars. The dark-haired guy was quite loudly expressing to his friend that he thought the “honeymoon phase with her” has ended. In the midst of continuing his thought about his relationship, he turned to me and gave me the full-on Joey Tribbiani treatment. I’m not kidding—I got the full “how you doin’?” with the eyebrows and the grin. I couldn’t decide if I should be flattered that a guy actually noticed me, or offended for girlfriends everywhere.
I settled for confused. It’s what I do best.
Kate
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The New Diary
Remember when you were a pre-teen/teenager and the most embarrassing thing ever would be someone finding and reading your diary? I’ve discovered the modern day, adult equivalent—the iPod.
It’s universally accepted that my iPod is trying to kill me (and by universally, I mean accepted by anyone I’ve told to agree with me on this). But I have only recently recognized the real danger that is posed by the iPod. It is the danger of my secret thoughts, desires and fears being revealed. It’s the danger of someone else seeing what is actually on my iPod.
Picture me wearing a snazzy sweat suit—something matching that speaks more to a life of Eva Longoria’s character on “Desperate Housewives” than lumpy, pillow-like comfort of the life of Kate. I love to take long walks (preferably on the beach at sunset with George Clooney), so my iPod is with me. And in between bouts of rapidly impacting my moods and trying to trip me, the iPod is my friend (so, a good 2-3 minutes of solid musical friendship).
Now picture me actually meeting a man, who actually looks in my direction, who actually decides to give me the time of day (perhaps because I’ve literally asked him the time). Obviously, this is a recipe for a love connection. Beaches in Los Angeles are practically made for this kind of scene. I think for a quarter, you can actually get the lifeguards to turn up the “beach scene soundtrack” that is constantly playing so you get a realistic swell of sound as eyes meet and hands are held.
Now picture the man who was trying to hold my hand looking down at the album art that is now glaring from the bright white iPod screen. Yeah. His first words would undoubtedly be something along the lines of “Barry Manilow?” or “Captain & Tennille?” or “Air Supply?”. Really?”
Sure, I could bluff. “uh, yeah, it was in a compilation cd, and I didn’t uncheck it fast enough, and the iPod loaded it. Stupid iPod” (followed by an appropriately adorable kick of the sand). But let’s face it, there is no good bluff for the tune in question being at the top of the “Top 25 Most Played” list. And yes, it is possible for a happy person to listen repeatedly to music that involves love, loss, meeting after years, new year’s eve, buying beer at the grocery store, sitting in the car, getting out in the rain, seeing the other person drive away, never seeing them again, etc. Shut up. It is.
I’m just going to have to be honest. I am hopelessly uncool (because the sweatband and side ponytail probably wont give it away). I’m just going to have to keep the iPod screen covered. Or try to explain how my complete lack of “cool” is actually endearing because it makes me so “real”. Yeah… that’s it. I’m just keepin’ it real. Nice. That’s the one I’m going with the very next time out.
In the meantime, I’ll be trying to complete my 100 top 80’s songs nostalgia playlist.
Yep, shocking that I’m single, I know.
“don’t put another dime in the jukebox… I don’t wanna hear that song no more…”
Kate, your guide to the best in “oldies” (ugh), in LA
It’s universally accepted that my iPod is trying to kill me (and by universally, I mean accepted by anyone I’ve told to agree with me on this). But I have only recently recognized the real danger that is posed by the iPod. It is the danger of my secret thoughts, desires and fears being revealed. It’s the danger of someone else seeing what is actually on my iPod.
Picture me wearing a snazzy sweat suit—something matching that speaks more to a life of Eva Longoria’s character on “Desperate Housewives” than lumpy, pillow-like comfort of the life of Kate. I love to take long walks (preferably on the beach at sunset with George Clooney), so my iPod is with me. And in between bouts of rapidly impacting my moods and trying to trip me, the iPod is my friend (so, a good 2-3 minutes of solid musical friendship).
Now picture me actually meeting a man, who actually looks in my direction, who actually decides to give me the time of day (perhaps because I’ve literally asked him the time). Obviously, this is a recipe for a love connection. Beaches in Los Angeles are practically made for this kind of scene. I think for a quarter, you can actually get the lifeguards to turn up the “beach scene soundtrack” that is constantly playing so you get a realistic swell of sound as eyes meet and hands are held.
Now picture the man who was trying to hold my hand looking down at the album art that is now glaring from the bright white iPod screen. Yeah. His first words would undoubtedly be something along the lines of “Barry Manilow?” or “Captain & Tennille?” or “Air Supply?”. Really?”
Sure, I could bluff. “uh, yeah, it was in a compilation cd, and I didn’t uncheck it fast enough, and the iPod loaded it. Stupid iPod” (followed by an appropriately adorable kick of the sand). But let’s face it, there is no good bluff for the tune in question being at the top of the “Top 25 Most Played” list. And yes, it is possible for a happy person to listen repeatedly to music that involves love, loss, meeting after years, new year’s eve, buying beer at the grocery store, sitting in the car, getting out in the rain, seeing the other person drive away, never seeing them again, etc. Shut up. It is.
I’m just going to have to be honest. I am hopelessly uncool (because the sweatband and side ponytail probably wont give it away). I’m just going to have to keep the iPod screen covered. Or try to explain how my complete lack of “cool” is actually endearing because it makes me so “real”. Yeah… that’s it. I’m just keepin’ it real. Nice. That’s the one I’m going with the very next time out.
In the meantime, I’ll be trying to complete my 100 top 80’s songs nostalgia playlist.
Yep, shocking that I’m single, I know.
“don’t put another dime in the jukebox… I don’t wanna hear that song no more…”
Kate, your guide to the best in “oldies” (ugh), in LA
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
X-Files 2
http://iesb.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2162&Itemid=99
X-Files 2 Negotiations Wrap This Week Says Duchovny!
Written by Robert Sanchez
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
The idea for a second X-Files film has been in the works for a long time. The IESB attended the TV Set press day today and spoke with David Duchovny about just that!
Back in 2005 Duchovny told IGN, "According to USA Today, Duchovny told reporters at the recent 10th Annual Critics' Choice Awards that he expected to shoot X-Files 2 some time this year or in early 2006. Elaborating on the project, the actor said it would not involve the alien conspiracy storyline that helped make the television series so popular. Instead, he stated, it would be a standalone supernatural horror film."
Well we know it obviously didn't happen, but things never happen quickly in Hollywood. Duchovny spoke about it briefly to the IESB today while promoting TV Set.
Duchovny says X-Files fans will have their second film after all! He revealed to the IESB that they were in final negotiations for the second X-Files film and should wrap this week. Plans are to start shooting in '08 or sooner!
If negotiations get nailed down this week as planned, it looks like he will once again fill the shoes of our favorite Special Agent, Fox Mulder.
IESB will keep you updated!
I saw this earlier, and I got a little giddy -- but in a controlled, totally non-geek, very cautiously optimistic, blase kind of giddy. Yep. That's me. Totally not even going to give this a second thought. Right now, for instance, totally not thinking about it. Not a bit. In fact, I haven't checked for any sort of official announcement from Fox in like... oh... minutes. Restraint, thy name is Kate.
I even know what the name of the movie will be: The X-Files 2: the Search for Kate's Love Life. Very scary stuff, indeed. In fact, I frequently refer to my love life as some sort of supernatural horror experience. Sure, not the stuff of Saw I, II, or III, but horror none-the-less.
So, in addition to getting me a date sometime this century, we have a new project. Get me onto this movie. Ok, two projects-- get the movie to the greenlight stage and then get me on it. I don't have to be the main love interest. I could be one of the lovely and appealing victims. Then Mulder will have to give me the kiss of life, and we can have a brief, but torrid affair. I'm completely fine with him then realizing that we can never be and moving back to Scully. That's fine. And if that doesn't work, an extra on the street as they run by is also fine. Really, one or the other-- love interest or random bystander. Both are good.
I need to get a life, you say? You forget-- this is LA. This is life out here. Unless they decide to film it in Canada. Then the movie will be called: "The X-Files 2, the Wrath of Kate".
hee
Kate
Monday, March 26, 2007
My Willful Phone
This is going to sound like a joke, but I swear it is true. My phone tried to get me a date. Not in the usual sense of me picking up the phone and asking someone out. I literally mean, the PHONE tried to get me a date. Apparently, it decided that it was time to take my social life into its own SIM card.
Despite the fact that my phone was turned off (that’s right, it was off!), somehow the keypad was engaged when I tossed the phone into my purse. This morning, I found out that my phone sent a nonsensical text message to a very cute (albeit random) boy, as soon as I turned it back on.
I am not kidding.
I know this because I got a text back from said boy that was a very flirty “who are you?” Ok, not so much flirty as deeply confused by the large jumble of random letters that my phone sent him. Which is also crazy because you’d think if the phone had decided to get me a date, it could at least learn to type.
Hmmm. I know that you are cheering my phone on, and suggesting that this is a sign for me to go for it (whatever “it” actually is). Alas, this is a guy who happened to still be in my call log from a movie I helped out on quite a while ago. He is darling, but young and technically off limits (at least for the moment). So, nice thought on behalf of my phone, but not likely to lead anywhere.
Perhaps the phone thought that if it showed me how to call/text a boy, I would learn from the observation? This is how bad my social life is, people. My phone is trying to set me up.
I keep looking at it thinking that if it were really enterprising (and if it really cared, sniff), it would get Clooney’s number and start texting him. Now, that would impress me.
Kate (and her possessed phone)
Despite the fact that my phone was turned off (that’s right, it was off!), somehow the keypad was engaged when I tossed the phone into my purse. This morning, I found out that my phone sent a nonsensical text message to a very cute (albeit random) boy, as soon as I turned it back on.
I am not kidding.
I know this because I got a text back from said boy that was a very flirty “who are you?” Ok, not so much flirty as deeply confused by the large jumble of random letters that my phone sent him. Which is also crazy because you’d think if the phone had decided to get me a date, it could at least learn to type.
Hmmm. I know that you are cheering my phone on, and suggesting that this is a sign for me to go for it (whatever “it” actually is). Alas, this is a guy who happened to still be in my call log from a movie I helped out on quite a while ago. He is darling, but young and technically off limits (at least for the moment). So, nice thought on behalf of my phone, but not likely to lead anywhere.
Perhaps the phone thought that if it showed me how to call/text a boy, I would learn from the observation? This is how bad my social life is, people. My phone is trying to set me up.
I keep looking at it thinking that if it were really enterprising (and if it really cared, sniff), it would get Clooney’s number and start texting him. Now, that would impress me.
Kate (and her possessed phone)
Thursday, March 22, 2007
If You Had the Chance…
As I get older (please note again that my profile age is ironic, not accurate), I find myself gravitating to the safe, secure and the solitary. Oh, hell, I’ve actually been that way since birth, but I’m fairly sure the impulse to not be impulsive is getting stronger. Why the other day, I almost turned down watching a new TV show because it was something just a bit too daring for me ;)
So, knowing that I’m one for avoiding, cowering, … Nay—barricading myself against drama, why is there occasional temptation to seek a situation that could possibly bring me pain? Why am I considering a situation that could potentially, possibly (remotely possible at least… Bora Bora remotely perhaps, but possible nonetheless) put me square in front of an ex? Ok, not just any ex. The ex. Why would I do that?
I have no idea why I am even considering it. He’s gone. He has moved on. Nothing would be gained by this. But the idea is there. It’s insidious. When I’m not looking, the idea creeps up on me and tries to completely distract me from things that are much more important.
(Can you believe that Izzie and George ended up in bed? And where the hell is the second X-Files movie? No woman should have to wait this long just to see Agent Mulder doing his spooky thing. But I digress).
Dr. Phil would say that I’m allowing this idea to creep into my days and nights because I’m getting something from it. I’m not sure exactly what that would be, unless, of course, he means the absolutely enormous headache I currently have.
I’ve made a ton of social progress since I made my declaration to date back in August. Ok, a ton might be an overstate. Loads of progress. Certainly a good deal of progress. A bit of progress on the social front. Fine, no progress whatsoever, but I talk a good game, and I am avidly watching the progress of others (where previously, I didn’t really care). I’ve also started leaving my apartment when forced to do so. I’ve even suggested at least two social outings so far this year.
What would be gained exactly from this possible, although highly unlikely encounter? Disappointment and heartbreak, followed by a long, flowing emotional setback? Maybe. Can I expect anything positive to come from it? No, not really. I tend to find closure a nice justification, but rarely a real event.
Would I want anything to happen? Trickier. Not really. I’m not a cheater and neither is he, so I wouldn’t want anything along those lines to occur. But I’ll admit that some sort of grand, passion-filled globally broadcast announcement of admiration might be a balm to my ego. Perhaps something along the lines of:
“I have been a selfish being all of my life. As a child I was given good principles but was left to follow them in pride and conceit. Such I might still have been if not for you, my dearest, loveliest [Kate].”
(double blogger brownie points if you can name that quote)
Realistically, I’ll concede that this type of declaration is unlikely. Realistically, I’d get nothing from even taking the chance of having this encounter. But it’s there. The potential is there. The world of possibility is distinctly apple shaped these days.
If you had the chance to see “the one who got away” again, would you take it, even though you knew nothing good would come of it? And if you didn’t take that chance, when the opportunity passes, would you regret it? Because really, exchanging “what if” for “what might have been” isn’t really an improvement.
Now if we could exchange “what if” for “George Clooney loves you”, that… that, my friends, would be an improvement.
Kate, bobbing and weaving away from temptation, in LA
So, knowing that I’m one for avoiding, cowering, … Nay—barricading myself against drama, why is there occasional temptation to seek a situation that could possibly bring me pain? Why am I considering a situation that could potentially, possibly (remotely possible at least… Bora Bora remotely perhaps, but possible nonetheless) put me square in front of an ex? Ok, not just any ex. The ex. Why would I do that?
I have no idea why I am even considering it. He’s gone. He has moved on. Nothing would be gained by this. But the idea is there. It’s insidious. When I’m not looking, the idea creeps up on me and tries to completely distract me from things that are much more important.
(Can you believe that Izzie and George ended up in bed? And where the hell is the second X-Files movie? No woman should have to wait this long just to see Agent Mulder doing his spooky thing. But I digress).
Dr. Phil would say that I’m allowing this idea to creep into my days and nights because I’m getting something from it. I’m not sure exactly what that would be, unless, of course, he means the absolutely enormous headache I currently have.
I’ve made a ton of social progress since I made my declaration to date back in August. Ok, a ton might be an overstate. Loads of progress. Certainly a good deal of progress. A bit of progress on the social front. Fine, no progress whatsoever, but I talk a good game, and I am avidly watching the progress of others (where previously, I didn’t really care). I’ve also started leaving my apartment when forced to do so. I’ve even suggested at least two social outings so far this year.
What would be gained exactly from this possible, although highly unlikely encounter? Disappointment and heartbreak, followed by a long, flowing emotional setback? Maybe. Can I expect anything positive to come from it? No, not really. I tend to find closure a nice justification, but rarely a real event.
Would I want anything to happen? Trickier. Not really. I’m not a cheater and neither is he, so I wouldn’t want anything along those lines to occur. But I’ll admit that some sort of grand, passion-filled globally broadcast announcement of admiration might be a balm to my ego. Perhaps something along the lines of:
“I have been a selfish being all of my life. As a child I was given good principles but was left to follow them in pride and conceit. Such I might still have been if not for you, my dearest, loveliest [Kate].”
(double blogger brownie points if you can name that quote)
Realistically, I’ll concede that this type of declaration is unlikely. Realistically, I’d get nothing from even taking the chance of having this encounter. But it’s there. The potential is there. The world of possibility is distinctly apple shaped these days.
If you had the chance to see “the one who got away” again, would you take it, even though you knew nothing good would come of it? And if you didn’t take that chance, when the opportunity passes, would you regret it? Because really, exchanging “what if” for “what might have been” isn’t really an improvement.
Now if we could exchange “what if” for “George Clooney loves you”, that… that, my friends, would be an improvement.
Kate, bobbing and weaving away from temptation, in LA
Monday, March 19, 2007
Minor Infractions
I spent a significant portion of yesterday in the company of some extremely well put together women during a DVD shoot (the girls were bikini models). It was really motivating. As I shoved down another girl scout cookie from the catering table, I thought, “oh yeah, I’m so going to get my shit together and look like that some day”. Oooh, and then I also thought “I will also develop and perfect my time machine” because the oldest was around 24.
(Oh, wait, that’s only 3 years younger than my ex’s soon-to-be bride. Damn.)
Anyway, I thought that I might as well get started on the new crusade to become a bikini model by becoming very, very fit and um.. yeah, whatever else you would need to do. I celebrated this decision by digging into my curly fries and big beef and cheddar at lunch today. Well, in all fairness, I did read somewhere that curly fries are actually a little known weightloss method. Seriously. I swear I read it somewhere. The all curly fry diet will be the next big thing. Any day now.
As I’m driving home with contraband food, a Santa Monica police officer caught my eye. We were both stopped at stop signs. It was his turn to go, and when I got a good look at him, I thought at first we might be on camera. He was very, very, very good looking. Did I mention he was good looking? Yeah, totally good looking. Actor good looking. Good enough to put the curly fry down kind of good looking.
This left me wondering. If you encounter such a lovely specimen, you are single, and you are interested… would a minor infraction of traffic laws be justified in order to get his attention?
I don’t mean running over someone in the crosswalk. Even I would find that just a tad bit extreme. I think even crashing into a building or a hydrant would be pushing it. I was thinking more along the lines of the rolling stop. Of course, I know this will get me ticketed (a number of my friends seem to be getting tickets these days). But getting ticketed by the attractive police office is sort of the point. Well, not ticketed exactly, but more like pulled over and verbally frisked ;)
The tricky part is, I think he’d assume that I was hitting on him just to get out of the ticket. When, in fact, I was getting into the ticket in order to hit on him. Again, if I had the vehicle flirtation device already set up, I could just write him a very large note explaining the situation. But I still haven’t gotten the white board set up in the car. So, I’m left with my charming turn of phrase, wink and hair toss (toss, toss).
All of which will clearly get me nowhere fast.
I could look at it as step 1 in a multi-step plan. Of course, I would contest the ticket. He’d have to show up in court. We’d see each other again and laugh at the situation. (By the way, by the time I get to court, I’ve inexplicably grown taller, thinner, tanner and have a dazzling strong jawline). I’d tell my story to the judge. He’d chuckle in that avuncular way of his. He’d smile down on us and bless our union.
Then I’d write the check out for $360 because he wouldn’t believe me for a second. And the whole situation would leave me more jaded, resigned and a bit poorer than before.
Yep, no one can kill a fantasy like I can.
Kate, the fantasy killer
(Oh, wait, that’s only 3 years younger than my ex’s soon-to-be bride. Damn.)
Anyway, I thought that I might as well get started on the new crusade to become a bikini model by becoming very, very fit and um.. yeah, whatever else you would need to do. I celebrated this decision by digging into my curly fries and big beef and cheddar at lunch today. Well, in all fairness, I did read somewhere that curly fries are actually a little known weightloss method. Seriously. I swear I read it somewhere. The all curly fry diet will be the next big thing. Any day now.
As I’m driving home with contraband food, a Santa Monica police officer caught my eye. We were both stopped at stop signs. It was his turn to go, and when I got a good look at him, I thought at first we might be on camera. He was very, very, very good looking. Did I mention he was good looking? Yeah, totally good looking. Actor good looking. Good enough to put the curly fry down kind of good looking.
This left me wondering. If you encounter such a lovely specimen, you are single, and you are interested… would a minor infraction of traffic laws be justified in order to get his attention?
I don’t mean running over someone in the crosswalk. Even I would find that just a tad bit extreme. I think even crashing into a building or a hydrant would be pushing it. I was thinking more along the lines of the rolling stop. Of course, I know this will get me ticketed (a number of my friends seem to be getting tickets these days). But getting ticketed by the attractive police office is sort of the point. Well, not ticketed exactly, but more like pulled over and verbally frisked ;)
The tricky part is, I think he’d assume that I was hitting on him just to get out of the ticket. When, in fact, I was getting into the ticket in order to hit on him. Again, if I had the vehicle flirtation device already set up, I could just write him a very large note explaining the situation. But I still haven’t gotten the white board set up in the car. So, I’m left with my charming turn of phrase, wink and hair toss (toss, toss).
All of which will clearly get me nowhere fast.
I could look at it as step 1 in a multi-step plan. Of course, I would contest the ticket. He’d have to show up in court. We’d see each other again and laugh at the situation. (By the way, by the time I get to court, I’ve inexplicably grown taller, thinner, tanner and have a dazzling strong jawline). I’d tell my story to the judge. He’d chuckle in that avuncular way of his. He’d smile down on us and bless our union.
Then I’d write the check out for $360 because he wouldn’t believe me for a second. And the whole situation would leave me more jaded, resigned and a bit poorer than before.
Yep, no one can kill a fantasy like I can.
Kate, the fantasy killer
Monday, March 12, 2007
The Mysteries of Life
At this moment, I am sitting by a pool and pondering life’s little mysteries. There are the standard questions “How did I get here?”, “What is my purpose?”, “Why is the world fascinated by Paris Hilton, and where did she get those shoes?”. You know, the deep ponderings of our generation. But in addition to those time honored thoughts, I’m exploring new mysteries.
1. Why doesn’t my apartment magically clean itself when I’ve clearly put it into the universe that I would like this to be so? I mean, I’ve done the Bewitched nose wiggle and the I Dream of Jeannie arms-crossed-head-bob move. Surely, it should be done by now. Is there actually a button on my TV remote that I should be pushing instead?
2. How do all those celebrities get golden perfect tan skin all up and down, and front and back? On my best day, I get random red blotches with intermittent white patches where the suntan lotion has stubbornly clung to life.
Also, not one picture of Jessica Alba shows her sporting the white stripe in that crease section between her bum and the top of her thighs. Does she prop her ass up in the air so that it all tans? Or is it that my absolutely enormous buttocks actually block out the sun? Being of unsound mind and fragile ego, I will not dwell on gigantic bottom issues and attribute flawless buttock/thigh tanning to a special secret that only the rich and famous know. Perhaps it is issued along with the Amex black card.
3. Do hot cab drivers exist? And if so, what exactly do you do when you encounter this rare specimen? I know. I didn’t believe it was possible, either. Sure, a casting director could hire an actor to play a hot cabbie, but in real life, Paul Walker is not answering my friend Chloe’s 2am bar call. And if he did, we really wouldn’t know anything about her approach because we would never find out more than what she could fit on her postcard after they eloped to Fiji.
The premise sounds like a fallacy, but a friend of mine claims to have met a hot cab driver, and he flirted, leaving her frantically trying to figure how to respond. So, she did what every red-blooded American female over 35 would do. Nothing. Well, she may have tipped him over-generously, but otherwise, nada.
So, what do you do in this situation? There’s an easy answer—slip him your phone number with the tip and bat your eyelashes.
But, really?
This guy knows where she lives. What if FHC (flirty hot cabbie), turns out to actually be more like CHC (crazy hot cabbie), MHC (murderous hot cabbie), or IMoMWTotbSHC (international man of mystery who turns out to be sadistic hot cabbie). I mean, Ted Bundy was cute, too. Do you invite the attentions of someone who knows your name, address and very possibly your credit card number before you have had a chance to get a full name, or have his fingerprints run?
It is remotely possible that my innate sense of paranoia and suspicion of most things relating to other people could be clouding my judgment. Slightly. So, I’ll leave this life mystery in your capable hands. Email or leave a comment with your thoughts, and I’ll pass them along. Should she have gone for it? Should she spend a lot in cabs hoping she “accidentally” runs into him, again? And if she spends $40,000 on cabs, can she still claim that “fate brought them together” during her wedding toast?
In the meantime, I’m going to start collecting the numbers of some of LA’s finest taxi services. No reason.
Kate.
1. Why doesn’t my apartment magically clean itself when I’ve clearly put it into the universe that I would like this to be so? I mean, I’ve done the Bewitched nose wiggle and the I Dream of Jeannie arms-crossed-head-bob move. Surely, it should be done by now. Is there actually a button on my TV remote that I should be pushing instead?
2. How do all those celebrities get golden perfect tan skin all up and down, and front and back? On my best day, I get random red blotches with intermittent white patches where the suntan lotion has stubbornly clung to life.
Also, not one picture of Jessica Alba shows her sporting the white stripe in that crease section between her bum and the top of her thighs. Does she prop her ass up in the air so that it all tans? Or is it that my absolutely enormous buttocks actually block out the sun? Being of unsound mind and fragile ego, I will not dwell on gigantic bottom issues and attribute flawless buttock/thigh tanning to a special secret that only the rich and famous know. Perhaps it is issued along with the Amex black card.
3. Do hot cab drivers exist? And if so, what exactly do you do when you encounter this rare specimen? I know. I didn’t believe it was possible, either. Sure, a casting director could hire an actor to play a hot cabbie, but in real life, Paul Walker is not answering my friend Chloe’s 2am bar call. And if he did, we really wouldn’t know anything about her approach because we would never find out more than what she could fit on her postcard after they eloped to Fiji.
The premise sounds like a fallacy, but a friend of mine claims to have met a hot cab driver, and he flirted, leaving her frantically trying to figure how to respond. So, she did what every red-blooded American female over 35 would do. Nothing. Well, she may have tipped him over-generously, but otherwise, nada.
So, what do you do in this situation? There’s an easy answer—slip him your phone number with the tip and bat your eyelashes.
But, really?
This guy knows where she lives. What if FHC (flirty hot cabbie), turns out to actually be more like CHC (crazy hot cabbie), MHC (murderous hot cabbie), or IMoMWTotbSHC (international man of mystery who turns out to be sadistic hot cabbie). I mean, Ted Bundy was cute, too. Do you invite the attentions of someone who knows your name, address and very possibly your credit card number before you have had a chance to get a full name, or have his fingerprints run?
It is remotely possible that my innate sense of paranoia and suspicion of most things relating to other people could be clouding my judgment. Slightly. So, I’ll leave this life mystery in your capable hands. Email or leave a comment with your thoughts, and I’ll pass them along. Should she have gone for it? Should she spend a lot in cabs hoping she “accidentally” runs into him, again? And if she spends $40,000 on cabs, can she still claim that “fate brought them together” during her wedding toast?
In the meantime, I’m going to start collecting the numbers of some of LA’s finest taxi services. No reason.
Kate.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Emails
Like most people with an email account, I get a ton of spam every day. Most of it, I don’t even look at. I just hit delete. But today, two emails caught my attention, and I just had to share.
The first email had a subject line featuring “Viagra Professional”. Forget for a moment that I’m not actually a guy, that I wouldn’t actually buy prescription (or any other) drugs based on an anon email, and half of it seems to be in another language in order to beat the spam filters. Let’s just focus for a minute on the subject line.
“Viagra Professional”
Hmmmmm. Was there a “Viagra Amateur” that I missed? Is that one reserved for sexual newcomers (uh… so to speak)? Is the “Professional” version reserved for the more experienced male like Colin Farrell, or Fred Durst? Do you start at the amateur level, but then get stripped of your amateur status once you accept money? And do gifts count, or are we thinking about only straight cash transactions? Maybe there is a set of judges. You send in a tape, and they judge if you’ve advanced to the all star team, and therefore, in need of professional assistance now and again?
The second email had a subject line of “Has your penis left you?” Why yes, yes it has. How perceptive of you, spam email. It has not only left me, but it, and presumably the guy attached to it, will be marrying his new special young, blond, perky friend in a few months. But thanks for bringing it up, again. Thanks for rubbing it in. Maybe the next one I get will be titled “Kate, those penises will always leave you. Can you blame them?” Freakin’ emails.
Yes, these are the things I think about.
Kate, the grumpy
The first email had a subject line featuring “Viagra Professional”. Forget for a moment that I’m not actually a guy, that I wouldn’t actually buy prescription (or any other) drugs based on an anon email, and half of it seems to be in another language in order to beat the spam filters. Let’s just focus for a minute on the subject line.
“Viagra Professional”
Hmmmmm. Was there a “Viagra Amateur” that I missed? Is that one reserved for sexual newcomers (uh… so to speak)? Is the “Professional” version reserved for the more experienced male like Colin Farrell, or Fred Durst? Do you start at the amateur level, but then get stripped of your amateur status once you accept money? And do gifts count, or are we thinking about only straight cash transactions? Maybe there is a set of judges. You send in a tape, and they judge if you’ve advanced to the all star team, and therefore, in need of professional assistance now and again?
The second email had a subject line of “Has your penis left you?” Why yes, yes it has. How perceptive of you, spam email. It has not only left me, but it, and presumably the guy attached to it, will be marrying his new special young, blond, perky friend in a few months. But thanks for bringing it up, again. Thanks for rubbing it in. Maybe the next one I get will be titled “Kate, those penises will always leave you. Can you blame them?” Freakin’ emails.
Yes, these are the things I think about.
Kate, the grumpy
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