That Sounds Like Work

I was wandering through my usual set of AOL alerts, and somehow, I ended up on an article that claims that there are 12 kinds of sex that every couple should have. What can I tell you; you can’t put a headline like that in front of me without me clicking on it.

Plus, I was confused…which should be a surprise to no one. I couldn’t figure out what they meant by “kind of sex”. I mean there are only so many orifices, and I was deeply concerned by the number 12 in this scenario. I mean, if nostril sex is suddenly on the table, I’m out. Seriously. I draw the line at nostril sex.

Imagine my temporary relief when I found out it was more like a “typing” reference. They meant things like “make-up sex” and “quickie sex”. Ok. So, once I banished the disturbing imagery of someone trying to shove something up my nose, I was more open to reading what they had to say.

But my relief was short-lived because this sounds like an awful lot of work. I mean, could I combine some of these? Can “quickie sex” be combined with “all over the house” sex? And do I get credit for the fact that I live in a small one bedroom apartment, so “all over the house” isn’t really all that difficult. Sure, difficult for me because boys don’t speak to me, but in theory, if I was resigned to actually having sex again, we wouldn’t have all that much ground to cover.

My friend Pen thinks I need therapy. This might prove her theory because instead of being mildly intrigued by the possibility of all this sex all over the place, all I could think of was “ugh, sex outside just means dirt and stones in places that shouldn’t worry about dirt and stones… plus, it’s just infection city… where’s the bathroom in this scenario?” Maybe I’m just channeling my inner Liz Lemon, but frankly, I’d be pissed if my mate destroyed my favorite Armani shirt because he thinks it’s “animalistic sex” night when actually it’s “leave me the F alone night”.

It’s not that I don’t see the value in all of this supposed sex. In theory, I do. “Make-up sex” holds particularly lovely memories for me, I think… well, from what hazy recollection I have. But right now, I think the best make-up present from a guy would not involve my shaving, plucking, stretching, stuffing or bleaching. Right now, “make-up sex” would involve him offering to give me a back-rub and then doing all the rest of my weekend work for me. That’s the thing that would leave a satisfied smile on my face.

Kate

The Semen Spy

The holidays are clearly upon us. The halls are already decked—actually the winter holiday decorations have been up since October—and people have that festive glow that is probably panic because they’ve realized how little time they have before they can get everything finished. Or maybe that’s just me. But there is no doubt about it, people have their eyes on the prize (or 8 depending on your December inclinations).

Even though it is not yet Thanksgiving, I’ve had the question “what do you want for Christmas”. Frankly, I love this question. It’s so much better than “when are you going to get that damn thing finished” or “you realize your childbearing years are basically over”. The problem is not in the asking, but in the answering. How do I answer that question? I want a career that makes me feel passionately happy on occasion rather than chronically unfulfilled. I want to option this book and have the writer I want agree to do the adaptation for no reason other than he finds me personally intriguing. I want the charity event to be the most amazing thing ever (did I mention that director Rob Bowman is joining Frank Spotnitz for the Q&A), and raise a huge amount of money for NF (which is wildly under-funded for a disease this widespread). I’d like to find a relationship that is immediately comfortable with a man of honor who also finds the war on pubic hair disturbing. The problem is, none of these things fits well into a stocking.

There is one present; however, I really don’t want to receive. Also, don’t ask for it. Ok, maybe you can ask for it because it might be funny, right before it drives you insane. The present? The Semen Spy.

No, I’m not kidding this device actually exists. While it started out as a forensic tool for police departments and detectives, it has crossed over into the commercial world just in time for the holidays. Honestly, I can’t wait to see the ad campaigns. “Gentleman, think your woman is a cheating whore? Buy our product and see the glowing stains to prove it before you throw her skank ass out… also available in green.” Or “think the mailman looks a little too happy when he glances through your door? Before you set the dogs on him, turn out the lights and see the spray”.

I get how using this at the office would make sense. You might be reasonably sure that your husband and his frothy friend aren’t banging on the desk, so if the desk lights up like a Christmas tree for residue, you might have cause for confrontation. But otherwise, I don’t really understand how this is supposed to work for the average jealous mate. From what I can tell, it only shows you where the presence of semen has been. This isn’t television—there is no magical caption that pops that reads “Bob’s sperm—oh, wait, your name isn’t Bob. Burn.” So, guys, you better make darn sure you haven’t been spending some quality time on that couch before you hose it down for a little weekend forensics. Also, ladies, be careful. If you come home and find your man fondling your underwear, he may not have a panty fetish after all. No, he might just be waving a UV wand over Victoria’s Secret before swabbing them for a sample.

God bless relationships and the madness they bring. I mean, how could this possibly go wrong? Oh, and I’d like to point out that thus far, there is no female equivalent. No, ladies, if you are looking for trace vagina evidence on your man’s cigars, you’ll have to wait until next Christmas.

Ah, the holidays. You can just feel the good will flowing, can’t you?


Kate

P.S. I do, however, completely endorse the spy camera with the lens that looks like a dime. I’d like one of those, please.

I’m Not Sure That’s What Fate Meant

That fate thing has a wicked sense of humor. When I pulled out items from the grab bag of fate, I was happy to have a mission, but expressed a bit of disappointment. I had planned for these to be huge, life-changing action plans, but what I got were things that I had probably planned on doing anyway. Little did I know that while not dramatically life-changing yet, the items have started to take on lives of their own.

Take this one: Attend Charity Events and Actually Converse with Strangers at Event. Sounds simple, right? I’m a giver. My one big skill in life is writing checks. I’m not a poet or a song writer, but give me a checkbook, and I can make it sing. I do also attend charity events, but I sit in the back, and if there are strangers around, I hide behind a well-placed plant.

But fate has a sense of humor, and I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to hide at this one.

I’ve gotten involved with a great group of ladies who are actual “doers”—and no, get your heads out of the gutter right now, that’s not what I mean! I mean, that when they have an idea, they make it happen. That’s a pretty rare skill. I meet a lot of people who have good ideas, and then never pursue them (including me). I meet a lot of people who say they are going to do something, and then they disappear. But these ladies—these ladies mean business. And there is no way I’m going to be able to hide from strangers.

What is the event?

THE "INSPIRED BY GILLIAN" TEAM PROUDLY ANNOUNCES SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES BY THE X-FILES' EXEC. PROD. & WRITER FRANK SPOTNITZ AND DIRECTOR ROB BOWMAN!!

MR. SPOTNITZ AND MR. BOWMAN WILL ENGAGE ATTENDEES IN A 30 MIN. Q&A AT THE SCREENING EVENT, MODERATED BY TV GUIDE'S ERIN FOX!!

Please join the "Inspired By" Gillian" team, in association with 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment, for The X-Files double-feature charity screening extravaganza!! In order to celebrate the release of The X-Files: I Want To Believe and on DVD/Blu-Ray and to honour Gillian Anderson's talent and philanthropy, we will be holding a fundraiser screening of FIGHT THE FUTURE and I WANT TO BELIEVE back-to-back!!

This is a charity event being held to solely benefit the organisation Neurofibromatosis, Inc. 100% of the proceeds from the screening will be sent in Ms. Anderson's name on behalf of Philes worldwide.

WHEN -&- WHERE
Time:
Saturday, December 6, 2008 from 2:30pm - 7:30pm

Location: Regency Fairfax Theatre
Street: 7907 Beverly Blvd.
City/Town: Los Angeles, CA

CONTACT
INFO.xfscreeningevent@inspiredbygillian.com
TICKETS: Tickets are on sale now at $50 per person and include:
*Q&A with Frank Spotnitz and Rob Bowman moderated by TV Guide’s Erin Fox
*screening of Fight The Future
*screening of I Want To Believe
*popcorn and soda
*commemorative programme
*a brief speech from a representative from Neurofibromatosis, Inc., who will also be on hand to distribute information and answer any questions.
*your name and brief note included in the letter and event scrapbook being sent to Ms. Anderson.

I can’t even begin to tell you how all of this happened. I’m not sure any of us anticipated how incredibly generous Gillian Anderson was going to be. I’m not sure any of us anticipated how available and generous Frank Spotnitz and Rob Bowman were going to be. I’m positive no one saw Fox Home Entertainment giving us a call.

Hollywood tends to get a bad rap. The image is of a place that is pretty selfish or at least entirely self-serving, and not particularly interested in the “nobody”. But, knock on wood, all we’ve encountered so far are extremely helpful, interested people—and that’s all the way down the line from assistants to managers to business partners to the studio to the “creatives” themselves.

I think you should all come out for the event!! But if you can’t come out to see me potentially pass out when forced to speak to strangers (an event, in and of itself that should not be missed), but you are interested in helping out the charity, there are a couple of ways you can do that, too:

http://allthings.inspiredbygillian.com/xfmoviesscreening

MILES ADRIFT, INCHES APART
Can't make it to the event? Purchase the
long-distance package for $20 which includes:
*information from Neurofibromatosis, Inc.
*one commemorative event programme
*your name and brief note included in the letter and event scrapbook being sent to Ms. Anderson.

And if that’s not your thing, how about an auction of memorabilia?

http://allthings.inspiredbygillian.com/auction

All proceeds will go to NF, Inc. in tandem with the screening event, on behalf of Philes worldwide in honour of Gillian Anderson.

We are very excited to have nine signed photos from Gillian Anderson available for auction. The first wave will commence on Friday, November 14th, 2008. The photos will be available for bidding three at a time, along with beautiful I Want To Believe trading card sets donated by the lovely Jacqueline Lopez, a friend and fellow Phile.

We will be adding more items each week.

Please keep checking back frequently for auction news and updates!!

***
currently available for this wave of bidding

Gillian Anderson signed editorial shot: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170279341153

Gillian Anderson signed promo photo for The X-Files: Fight the Future:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170279340431

Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny dual-autographed promo photo from The
X-Files: I Want to Believe:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=170279338877

I hope to see you guys at the event. And if not at the event, I hope to see you jumping into the bidding fray.

Also, if you could pray that I don’t have a complete panic attack between now and then, that would be great, too.

Deep breath in… deep breath out…deep breath in… deep breath out…

Kate

Wrong!

Well, that’s just wrong! Sark-A-Like and I have been divided by cruel fate. He has been taken away to Department 1A—which sounds vaguely sinister and akin to being drafted into some type of clandestine service to plan for world domination. Of course, he’ll hear none of those plans because of that earphone fetish he seems to be sporting. But no matter! Sure, I can hope that they reject him in a way that I never would, and send him back to the assembly room. But what if they don’t? Tragedy.

Jury Duty

Are there two words that make you groan more often than “jury duty”? It’s not that I don’t understand my civic obligations. I do. But I appear to be the State of California’s favorite juror. This is my fifth summons in seven years. I think we can all agree that this is a tad excessive. For the first time ever, I nearly contemplated shredding it when it came. None of my friends get called as often as I do.

Then you know what everyone said to me? Don’t worry, they’ll never pick you. They never pick smart or outspoken people to be on juries. It’s bad for the defense.

Well, on the one hand, that’s very sweet that they think I’m smart and outspoken. On the other hand, I’ve been placed on a jury twice. So, um… yeah.

I’d like to say that among my highlights of jury service has been the meeting of wonderful men, full of dating potential. Not so much. I do remember a particularly lovely person a couple of years ago—juror #8. I never knew his name, and he was not placed on the jury. I watched him walk out of the room with a deep sadness. I spent the next two weeks wishing that both his intellect and his lovely eyes were still around.

Today had some promise. As usual, I walked through the hall in my own world. I sat down on a bench waiting for the doors to the assembly room to open. Much to my delight when I did clue in, I noticed that I was sitting next to a man who looked suspiciously like the man who played Sark on Alias.

Things were looking up.

True to form, Sark-A-Like has shown absolutely no interest. I’ve smiled, and he’s looked down. I’ve said things like “thank you” and “excuse me”, and he’s nodded. He’s talked to the guy on the other side of him. He’s talked to the woman in front of him. He has not looked at me.

He has no ring. He’s a little young, but I’m revising my age restrictions in both directions anyway—at this point, I can’t afford to be too specific. He’s clean and presentable, but not metro. He appears to have an unhealthy obsession with his iPod, though.

Short of hitting Sark-A-Like on the back of the head, I’m out of ideas. Plus, I understand that California’s jury system frowns upon anything that resembles actual acts of violence in the jury room. I know—picky, picky, picky. I mean, they drag us down here, and then they severely limit the entertainment factor.

Any words of wisdom from the peanut gallery on this pressing matter of national, strategic importance?


Kate, hoping to be in this jury room all day

It Sounded Like A Good Idea At The Time

I’m confident when I say that none of us are perfect beings. I’m relatively sure that most of us can say that there have been incidents in our lives that we look back upon with chagrin. Some of us have probably had close calls, and somehow the whims of the universe managed not to slap us down—we may have even learned something in the process.

But this guy… well, it probably sounded like a good idea at the time. In the off chance that you also have homes with some debris that needs clearing, please keep this one salient fact in mind: never, ever use a blowtorch to get rid of cobwebs.

http://www.cbs46.com/news/17919628/detail.html

Confess—how many times have you done something ridiculous and had the moment of realization after the fact? What is your “it sounded like a good idea at the time” moment?

For me, I remember hitchhiking in the Soviet Union with a group of people after getting stranded on an adventure that we shouldn’t have been on in the first place. While an effective way to get back to the hotel before the bridges were raised—it was probably not the safest means of transport. When we finally got back the hotel, I do remember thinking “wow, that was incredibly stupid”. Youth. It’s my only excuse.

Kate

I Kid You Not

Little did I know that I had stumbled on to the new hot topic in dating: the affair. Check out this TMZ article:

http://www.tmz.com/2008/11/06/dating-site-for-cheaters-scores/

That’s right; the tag line is “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” That lovely ad, complete with sentiment, will be running in Super Bowl programs – I guess we can at least be glad that they don’t have air time yet. Thank goodness the Super Bowl is never a family event…. oh, wait. On the upside, it could signal a valuable lesson for the kids about betrayal and how people have the morals of muskrats (side note, apologies to muskrats as you may actually have deeply profound morals, unlike the people who frequent those cheating websites, and I am just unaware of them.)

Well, thank goodness all of us heterosexuals are busy supporting the sanctity of marriage. If you just lost your marriage to the ridiculousness of Prop 8 here in California, you must really love seeing this.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Should I Take That Personally?

What is it with the ads that adorn my pages these days? Check out the one I found on my Myspace page the other day:

"We Delete Members Unfit to Date".

Wow. Because my self-esteem in the dating arena isn’t shaky enough, now I have to worry about being rejected as “unfit to date”.

How the hell do they determine whether or not someone is unfit to date? I mean are they using criteria like criminal records? If a person has been convicted on multiple counts of rape, the liability issues alone might make that person look like a bad candidate. That would make sense to me. Maybe this particular service is just really looking out for its customers. Maybe you have to submit blood tests and social security numbers so they can screen out for STDs and nefarious deeds (and existing marriage licenses). All those things would be helpful. I might even be tempted (might, I said might!) to consider giving them a shot.

However…

Why do I get a feeling that in actuality the dating service is more like the modern day version of the junior high school slam book? I have this image of a bunch of bitchy high school girls sitting around saying things like:

“OH EM GEE, did you see her profile picture? That shirt was totally last season. She’s going to drag our numbers down.”

Or

“I can’t believe this girl didn’t think to get her teeth capped before taking that profile photo. Next!”

Or

“I heard from Stacey’s mom’s brother’s ex-boyfriend’s assistant gardener that she might still have pubic hair, and she’s never bleached her anus. What the F? She’s totally unfit to live, let alone date.”

No, I’m not just looking for excuses not to try online dating. Why would you say that?

Kate